by Noise Pollution

I have a celebrity crush. It’s pretty pathetic. I’m twenty-something now. I’ve been an adult for several years. I’m supposed to have outgrown this, but this is actually my first one. Her name is Felicia Day. She runs a Youtube channel that I watch frequently, and occasionally appears on television shows as well. She’s a pretty huge name in “geek culture,” primarily for her extremely popular Youtube series, The Guild.

She is adorable. God dammit, she is so adorable.

Oh well. I doubt that she’s all that similar to how she acts on camera in reality. I’m  also well aware of the fact that even if the magical opportunity arose where I actually got to know her, she wouldn’t be interested in me in the slightest. Her on-camera personality also vaguely reminds me of a girl named Elena, my old high-school crush, and I got so completely burned by that experience that even given the magical impossible opportunity, I don’t think I’d even pursue her. Also, she’s older than me. I’m still a fucking kid.

I just happen to think she’s incredibly pretty and her on-camera personality makes my heart melt. That’s all. I don’t have some delusion that I’m ever going to actually speak to her, and even my daydreams end with her not being interested. I mean, it’s such a stupid thing, right? It’s stupid enough to fall hard for anyone, let alone someone so completely unattainable, someone so high above me. My own dreams and daydreams don’t even dare venture into fantasy territory.

Falling hard for someone is a surefire way to end up sad. At least, in my experience it ends up that way. I’m still sad. I’m still messed up about Elena, and that was over five years ago. The heartbreak of my last relationship ending seven months ago still feels like I’ve been cut wide open. I don’t know if my head is ever going to be quite right again after that one, but I’m going to fall hard for the next pretty girl who pays attention to me anyways. I always do. Eventually these experiences will pile on top of each other so high that I won’t be able to see anything else. When that happens, I will be well and truly broken.

Anyway, Felicia Day is a beautiful person and I adore her. I will never speak to her. I will probably never even see her in person. Even in the magical Christmas land where I do get to know her, I still wouldn’t have a shot. So that’s where I’m at in my love life right now. Sadness bringing in sadness to put on top of more sadness. Kind of makes a person want to die, doesn’t it?