by Noise Pollution
I don’t know how to cure this lack of motivation. It’s gotten so bad. It’s gotten so bad that it has surpassed “lack of motivation” and transmogrified into a completely different beast. I avoid “doing” at all costs. I mean, I guess there are things that I do; I’ve started trying to learn Japanese on my own, and I practice guitar every single day. The thing is, whenever someone expects anything from me, I hide from it. I hide from it desperately.
It can be something as simple as making a phone call. I put it off and put it off to the point where it becomes obvious that I’m avoiding it. It gets so bad that it’s actually offensive. I even manage to do it to people that I know and care deeply for. I don’t know why I do it. Learning to play guitar took me years, and a phone call would take half an hour to complete on the long end. I don’t get myself.
Any time that I’m expected to go outside, I don’t. I got my car towed once because I was avoiding going and getting the inspection done. I had to spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars to correct that mistake. This is a serious problem, but knowing that doesn’t seem to contribute anything to helping me fix it.
I’m probably just lazy. It’s all my own fault. I’m a fuck-up because I fuck up. Not because I’m fucked up. That’s what the whole world is telling me. That way, they don’t have to help. It’s my own fault, I deserve what’s coming to me. If they say that, they can look away.
It probably is my own fault. I probably do deserve it. Even so, a genuinely sympathetic ear would be nice. I don’t need advice, I need understanding.