I Want to Be Alone… Wait, No I Fucking Don’t

by Noise Pollution

I spend too much time in my room. I don’t get out enough. I kind of hate going out. There are people out there, and people are terrifying. People expect things from me, people want to talk to me. I don’t know how to respond to people. I have an innate desire to tell them what they want to hear, but usually that requires telling a lie, and it doesn’t really mean anything anyway. For example, upon beings asked how I am, I always answer something along the lines of, “I’m alright, how about you?” That is dishonest. The real answer is almost always, “Kind of shitty. I don’t want to continue this conversation anymore, please let me sit in this spot in peace.” I want to be alone. It’s so much easier being alone. I would spend every day in my room, never speaking to anyone if I could.

I don’t fucking want to be alone. The idea of spending every day in my room without every coming into contact with people is terrifying.

I like people. I wish I was better at interacting with them. I have a generally positive view of humanity and it’s capabilities, in spite of my extremely pessimistic attitude. I think that the good in people’s hearts generally outweighs the bad, it’s just that this stupid, terrible internet culture has exposed the worst in everyone.

I spend a lot of time either alone or wishing I was alone. Being alone is wonderful. It feels good. It feels right. When I’m alone, I don’t have to worry about people judging me. I can have my hands outside of my pockets, I can wear pajamas, and do absolutely nothing. I don’t have to try to be quiet so as to not disturb others, and I don’t have to listen to others’ obnoxious noise. I can be as hypocritical in my ramblings as I want, because there’s no one there to call me on it. Being alone is one of my favorite things, and I can’t live without it.

I get depressed, though. I get extremely depressed. I get depressed to the point where being alone is more than a desire, it’s the only thing I can deal with. But, when I’m depressed, I need people. It’s the most contradictory thing. I have such hypocritical, contradictory feelings. I want to be alone, but I need help in order to get to the point where being alone is even safe.

I want to be alone forever, but I want to fall in love. More contradictions. What the fuck do I want? I can’t have them both.

I love being alone, but I hate feeling lonely. I feel lonely all of the time, but I push people out of my life and seclude myself in a small room, calling it a sanctuary.

I feel really fucking lonely.

Today, there was company over at my current place of residence. It was a  family I know decently well, filled with good-hearted people. There were various games available to play, so as to lessen the barrier to social interaction even further. I stayed in my little sanctuary the entire time. I didn’t go out once, I didn’t even see the faces of the people staying at my house. I kind of wanted to be around people, but not enough to actually do anything about it. I feel like I’m going to be stuck this way forever.

Let me reiterate, I feel really fucking lonely.

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