by Noise Pollution
I feel a huge weight on my shoulders. I feel this tension in the air, and this tension in my bones. There’s nothing there, though. This is all in my head; it’s something I’ve created for myself to deal with. If I’m not making much sense right now, it is because I can feel panic settling in. I can fucking feel it. God, god dammit. I keep repeating myself, I keep telling myself that everything is going to be okay, but I don’t believe it. I don’t have anything to be worried about. Why am I worried? I’m so fucking worried. I’m scared. I’ve done something wrong, haven’t I? Something in the past, some misdeed I’ve forgotten about and it’s going to catch up to me any fucking minute now. My heart is beating. My heart is beating. My heart is beating. I can feel my heart beating. I can feel the blood pulsing through my fingers, but it feels wrong. It feels wrong, there’s something in my blood, I don’t know. There’s not actually anything wrong with me. My blood is fine. I’m okay. Everything will be alright. Everything is going to be fine. Calm.
It’s not happening. I don’t know how to calm down once the panic sets in. I can keep it from developing into a full-blown, bawling, pass-out attack, but that’s about all I can manage. I just keep telling myself I’m okay. I cover myself in blankets and tell myself I’m okay. I’m okay. Nothing bad is going to happen. Everything’s going to be fine. This aching in my joints? I’ve been walking around all day, it’s normal. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m not breaking, I’m not breaking down. I’m not going crazy, I’m just worried. I’m worried, and I don’t need to be, because everything is fine.
I have a headache. I know why. It’s because I’m breathing irregularly. I just need to calm down, focus on each breath, and I’ll be fine. I’ll be fine, because everything is fine, and everything is going to be fine. I don’t believe it. I still don’t believe it. I know I’m lying to myself. I’m a liar, I’m telling myself everything is going to be fine in order to escape from the reality that it isn’t. There’s no proof of that. The part of me that’s scared is the part of me that’s lying. Everything is going to be fine.
Don’t panic, Parker. You’re going to be fine.