If I Could Be Thoughtless

by Noise Pollution

I wish I was more reckless. More thoughtless. You know that moment before doing something where your brain decides if it’s actually going to follow through or not? I have an exceptionally drawn-out one, and sometimes, I wish it wasn’t there at all.

Throughout all of my efforts to be careful, and all of my stress centered around not making mistakes, I still managed to spend a night in jail. [To be clear, this was nearly a year ago. I am not referring to a very recent event.] Even with every single request I turned down, every invitation to a party I flaked out on, and every night spent entirely by myself, I still spent a night in jail. Maybe if I had just fucking ignored myself, maybe if I dived headfirst into the chaotic life I so desperately wanted to live, it would have been better. I mean, I had that horrific night anyway, so maybe the same thing would have happened, I’d just have more to fucking show for it. Maybe if that brain-to-body filter was just gone, I’d be happier.

The other day I stood inside my sanctuary (my room) and imagined myself just fucking tearing the place apart. I wanted to throw playing cards everywhere and cover the floor. I imagined myself smashing the television set against another television set, finally slamming it down against the table I would soon flip into the couch. I imagined myself destroying this place that I hold so sacred. I wanted to do it. I wanted to fucking ruin this place for no reason.

I didn’t do it, obviously.

And that was obviously the right choice, but I wonder what would have happened if I did. Would I have been checked in to some institution? [Yeah, this was written a couple of nights before that whole experience, and has been sitting here, waiting for me to publish it.] Would I prove something to myself? Would I be proving something to anyone else? Would I have at least had an experience? Am I really better off this way?

I don’t fucking know. I miss the chaos of my old life. I wish I had appreciated it more while it was there. Now that it’s gone, there are legitimate consequences for bringing it back. There are people who would be hurt who I don’t want to hurt. Escaping that chaotic life came with some amount of responsibility, and I have to live with it.