All Apologies

by Noise Pollution

I’ve done bad things.

No, I’m not talking about the drugs, the booze, or the cigarettes. None of those things really go against my ideals. None of those things are in conflict with the person I wish I was, the person I pretend to be. I’m Mr. Nice Guy, right? I’m polite and I’m politically correct. I hold doors open for people. I stop what I’m doing if I see someone who needs help.

Well, one time, I rejected and ignored a girl just because I found her unattractive. I didn’t fucking know her.  She was a girl I went to school with. For all I know, she was super awesome. Sure, I put it nicely, and made up excuses when I turned her down, but she knew the real reason. I was single and desperate. I still turned her down. She tried to keep in contact with me, but I dropped all communication lines with her and never once felt guilty about it. She’s probably not in a good situation right now. She definitely wasn’t when I turned her down. She had watched her last boyfriend kill himself. Fun stuff. I was a real dick.

I once dated a girl who I despised. I despised her until she said she liked me. Then she dumped her boyfriend, an acquaintance of mine, for me. He’s doing okay, I guess. He’s not happy, though. The last time I saw him, he was drinking until he couldn’t see straight, smoking cigarettes with me as we lamented lost loves.

I got really mad when she cheated on me. In fact, I never spoke to her again. Not even once. I don’t feel bad about doing that, though. My initial impression of despising her was spot-on. No, what I feel bad for is immediately cracking when presented with the idea of having a girlfriend, betraying a friend in the process.

I made a girl cry once. While she was in school. She worked up the courage to ask me out, and I shot her down like it was nothing. I felt nothing about it. She cried her eyes out, and cut herself and I did nothing, and I felt nothing.

She was a rape victim, which I found out later, when we reestablished contact. I doubt that the person I was at that time could have ever understood her feelings.

I probably made her cry multiple times, honestly.

I tried to use her as a rebound.

She almost accepted. Her crush on me ran deep.

I’m really glad she caught on and changed her mind. She scolded me, and I deserved it. When we reestablished contact, I treated her like a plaything. I used her. Even though I never really saw her. She deserved better than me, but I’m not sure she even managed that… She has the type of figure that attracts real scumbags: Unnaturally skinny, except for the boobs. From the sounds of things, she managed to get involved with some people who were even shittier than me.

I hope she’s okay.

It’s not like writing this atones for what I did. There’s blood on my hands.

I like to say that I live a life with no regrets, but I really regret treating her that way. If there is one mistake in my life that I could go back in time to fix, it would be the despicable way I treated her. I wouldn’t go back and prevent the fire I was in, or prevent my drug use, or keep myself out of jail. I’d punch my old self in the face and make him apologize properly, and understand the ramifications of what he did.

If she’s out there, somewhere, well… She might have forgotten about me. She’s probably moved on from all this, even though I haven’t.

But I’d like to say I’m sorry someday. The guilt I should have felt years ago is weighing on me now, and I deserve it. If I actually got to apologize, it would potentially mean being forgiven. It would lift some of this weight from me, but I should carry it. It’s what I deserve. It’s the consequence for behaving like that. I don’t deserve to not feel guilty.

I still wish I could apologize. I’m so sorry.