My Thoughts Are Pollution

Coming-of-age ramblings that don't mean much in the long run

Month: July, 2014

Happy Birthday to Me

I turned 21 today.

It’s funny, a year ago I was desperately waiting for this day, now I don’t mind letting it slip past, completely uneventful. It’s a bit depressing, actually. This big, special day in my life has become meaningless due to my sobriety. I can’t just say “fuck it” and drink for a day either, because I have to be careful around alcohol with my medication. I’m stuck being permanently sober now.

I guess that’s probably a good thing, but it doesn’t make sitting here without a drink on my 21st birthday any better. Oh well.

Cough

When I used to use, I would often abuse cough medicine. It was not a good thing. It is one of the most unhealthy things you can do to your body and your brain. It doesn’t even feel good while you’re high on it. But I’d do it anyway. I’d do it because it didn’t feel good.

Cough medicine is not a “pussy drug.” It is fucking rough, and I got higher than I had ever gotten before or since on cough medicine. It’s a dissociative, meaning that it makes you feel separated from your thoughts and body. It is an out-of-body experience in liquid form.

Of course, this only happens if you do enough. I used to down two bottles of the stuff, and trying to drink two bottles of cough syrup is about as horrible as you imagine it to be. The first gulp is easy. The rest are a fucking nightmare of trying to hold down puke. The puking had to wait for later.

I spent huge portions of my nights vomiting, feeling like I was going to die, and I was doing it on purpose. There was nothing in the world as exciting to me at that time as looking at my own death. I wanted the suffering that came with the drug. I wanted to come face-to-face with all of my demons, and I did. I found everything I hated about myself and brought it all up to the surface of my skin, where everyone else could see. I found all of my fears, and found out that I couldn’t actually face them, so I buried them again.

There was a night when my friends and I carved marks into each other’s backs. We all have scars from that night, physical and mental. My best friend spent ten days in the psych unit as a result. The rest of us just shook in the parking lot near his house, trying not to lose it. We went home without saying much to each other. It was a bad time for everyone.

But did that stop us? No. We kept going and going until I got to the point where drinking cough syrup became so difficult for me to do that I had to quit. Once I quit, it was only a matter of time before the rest of them quit, since we couldn’t all do it together anymore.

Quitting that garbage is one of the best things I ever did. It was never a good experience, it was only a good story.

I guess the reason I wrote all that is both to get it off my chest and to warn people not to fucking touch the stuff in a recreational context. Nobody should ever, ever, do what I did. I broke a whole lot of things inside of me. I went through some scary shit using that stuff. I don’t want anybody else to go through the same.

Also, as a side note, if that wasn’t enough to steer people away, you should never abuse cough medicine if you are taking any sort of anti-depressant. When cough syrup is taken in high doses, the mixture between it and antidepressants will kill you, and it won’t be a calm, quiet and painless death, either.

I Put Another Song On The Internet, Guys

Fighting

This anxiety is killing me. It’s punching me in the chest, knocking the wind out of me every morning when I wake. I’m fighting back, now, though. I have a mantra that I can repeat that actually helps calm me, and I have a pill for when that’s not enough. The anxiety is still dodging most of my punches, but that means there’s times when it’s not actively beating the shit out of me now. I’m improving.

A Love Song

I will steal your breath away
and take it all into me
So I can make it through my life
and I can make it through my stupid dreams.
Catch a glimpse of your heartache
from underneath the bedframe
If I could take that all away
I wouldn’t expect of you the same.

So darling, you don’t have to love me
or show me your affection, you’ll see
I will learn to live like this
Away from you, away from happiness

To escape the simple fact
that I love you.

Freaked

I have some pretty bad fears. I don’t know if they’re irrational or not, but they weigh heavily on my mind most of the time that I’m awake.

I have an extreme fear of death. This is weird, coming from someone who struggled with the idea of suicide in the past, but it’s there, regardless. And I know. Most everyone fears death. I’m not alone in this. It’s not special, and I’m not unique. But I fear it all the time. I fear it when I wake up, I fear it when I sit in my room, and I fear it when I lay down my head to sleep. It’s a fear that I am rarely not thinking about, at least passively.

Part of it is my lack of belief in any sort of higher power. According to my own beliefs (which are not up for debate in the comments, by the way, that’s not fun for anyone) there is nothing out there keeping me safe. There is no “thing” I need to accomplish before I’m allowed to die, no angels looking over me to ensure my health and safety. All it takes is one moment gone wrong, and I become a corpse. It’s fucking terrifying.

As a result of fearing that I can die at any moment, I have some… much less rational fears. I sleep in the room in my house that is closest to the road outside, and my bed is against the closest wall. I fear every time I sit on my bed that a drunk driver is going to crash through the wall and kill me. When I see lights pass by through my window, my heart beats a little faster, and I have to actively calm myself down.

I also have a terrible fear that bombs are going to go off and kill me. The fact that countries have nuclear weapons scares the living shit out of me. It freaks me out so much. I’ve been woken up by lightning and thunder before, and I almost took off running; I thought New York was gone. Part of that was just a post-sleep haze that clouded my thoughts, but part of that was real fear. I mean, I also freak out whenever I see a plane going overhead. I think, “Is this it? Is this the one that’s going to bomb us and kill us?” I’m so fucking scared of it. I wish humankind had never developed weapons like that.

I don’t know why I felt like sharing this. I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest. I do feel a little, tiny, almost insignificant bit better.

The Lonliest

So come back to me
and I’ll make you see
a million things
that you don’t want to see
What makes you think
and what helps you breathe
just come back to me
and I’ll make you see

But everybody must spend time alone.

I am the loneliest man in the world
and it makes
me
happy.

Black and White

The world is not so black and white
it’s a dull, meaningless grey
and every statement that you make
it’s worse off I can say
your weak-minded self-indulged
childish behavior
when you see the world so black and white
but fancy yourself it’s savior.

Another Breakup Song/Thing/Poem/Whatever

Now everybody’s satisfied
My god, are you not satisfied?
I took you in, I whispered lies
I sung you little lullabies
but in the corners of your eyes
an image made your heart arise
and all the lows and all the highs
the greyest clouds, the darkest skies
would follow

but nothing could stop this,
no nothing at all
you were committed
through spring, summer, fall
god forbid you wait
for the winter to pass
you fickle fucking fake
I fucking hope you’re falling fast

oh, I’m gonna kill you
I’m gonna kill you.

Like You

I don’t like you
not a single thing
not the red in your hair
not the green in your eyes
it means nothing to me

No, I don’t like you
not the tiniest bit
not the curve of your face
not the tip of your nose
not the soft of your lips

I don’t like you
no, not any part
not the taste of your tongue
not the bite of your teeth
not even the pounding
of your weak-willed heart

I don’t like you
I ran away
there was nothing you had
that was holding me still
you weren’t enough to make me stay

I don’t like you
you’re just such a bitch
I can tell myself that
like that changes the fact
that you’ve been missed

I don’t like you
I swear to a goddess
I saw something wrong
but I followed along
trusting you would be honest

No, I don’t LIKE you
I hate everything
I hate the thought of your love
and the look of disgust
will never leave

No, I don’t LIKE you
you make me so sick
I gave you all that I had
I tried not to be sad
but these walls have
never been so thick

No I don’t like you
I wish you were dead
you should seal up your eyes
there’s no reason to cry
but the tears just
pour out of my head

I’m not like you
I’m not like you

No, I’m not like you
I’ve never been mad
Yeah, all of this time
I’ve been screaming inside
I’ve only been sad

like you, like you.

like you, like you.