Gnats, Again

by Noise Pollution

You were a bloodsucker, disguised as some sort of symbiotic creature helping me along. You put poison into my veins, and I thought that it was healthy.

You see, the poison you put inside of me wasn’t just killing me. It was making me feel incredible. I felt a connection to everything in the world that I had never felt before. I felt a connection to you. You were the reason I could stand up. You were the reason I slept at night, if only occasionally. It wasn’t right. I wasn’t right. You weren’t right. I wasn’t in my right mind.

I was hurt. I had been hurt a million times before. I wasn’t going to let myself be hurt by you. Beautiful, shy, perfect little you. I started off aloof, and distant. I was my music. If you happened to be there, then whatever. You were there. But god, was I obsessed with you. I didn’t show it all the time, but I adored you. And eventually, I let you in. After two years, I let you in.

That was when things changed. When I showed you affection, you stopped returning it. You continued to do me favors, and help me out in my daily life, but you weren’t close to me anymore. I couldn’t be upset though. You did so much for me. How could I return that kindness by asking for affection? Did I even deserve your affection? You were beautiful, and I was me. Depressed, ugly, awkward me. I wasn’t my music anymore. I was your music. I was your song. But eventually, you caved in. It only took one more year for you to cave in.

You caved in to yourself. I never had. And believe me, lovely, I had plenty of opportunities.

I’m angry. I’m upset. It’s been a long time, and I’m still upset. You never really apologized. You pushed all the responsibility onto me, and I apologized, when I wasn’t the one who fucking cheated. If that’s not borderline abusive, then it’s at the very least manipulative.

I don’t like you, Gnat. I wish I never did.