by Noise Pollution

I have some pretty bad fears. I don’t know if they’re irrational or not, but they weigh heavily on my mind most of the time that I’m awake.

I have an extreme fear of death. This is weird, coming from someone who struggled with the idea of suicide in the past, but it’s there, regardless. And I know. Most everyone fears death. I’m not alone in this. It’s not special, and I’m not unique. But I fear it all the time. I fear it when I wake up, I fear it when I sit in my room, and I fear it when I lay down my head to sleep. It’s a fear that I am rarely not thinking about, at least passively.

Part of it is my lack of belief in any sort of higher power. According to my own beliefs (which are not up for debate in the comments, by the way, that’s not fun for anyone) there is nothing out there keeping me safe. There is no “thing” I need to accomplish before I’m allowed to die, no angels looking over me to ensure my health and safety. All it takes is one moment gone wrong, and I become a corpse. It’s fucking terrifying.

As a result of fearing that I can die at any moment, I have some… much less rational fears. I sleep in the room in my house that is closest to the road outside, and my bed is against the closest wall. I fear every time I sit on my bed that a drunk driver is going to crash through the wall and kill me. When I see lights pass by through my window, my heart beats a little faster, and I have to actively calm myself down.

I also have a terrible fear that bombs are going to go off and kill me. The fact that countries have nuclear weapons scares the living shit out of me. It freaks me out so much. I’ve been woken up by lightning and thunder before, and I almost took off running; I thought New York was gone. Part of that was just a post-sleep haze that clouded my thoughts, but part of that was real fear. I mean, I also freak out whenever I see a plane going overhead. I think, “Is this it? Is this the one that’s going to bomb us and kill us?” I’m so fucking scared of it. I wish humankind had never developed weapons like that.

I don’t know why I felt like sharing this. I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest. I do feel a little, tiny, almost insignificant bit better.