My Thoughts Are Pollution

Coming-of-age ramblings that don't mean much in the long run

Month: August, 2014

Pathetic

There is a vicious cycle that my life is based around. I am doing what I can to escape it, but it’s more difficult than I could have imagined.

I lack self-motivation. I do not do things for myself. The only time I can accomplish tasks is when there is some sort of outside pressure asking me to complete them. Otherwise, I can barely even get out of bed. This is one part depression, one part my environment, and another part made of my own inadequacy. I mean, there are things that I want, and I want them so badly, but no amount of desire is enough to get me to push myself.

And so, I always end up stuck. Before I moved to New Jersey, I was stuck working somewhere I hated, and I was in an unsatisfying relationship, and I did nothing to try to get myself out of either of those situations. Now, I’m stuck at home, needing to get out and have fresh experiences, but I’m still inside.

This behavior is really unhealthy, and I know that if I just tried a little harder, I’d be able to fix it. The thing is, the knowing doesn’t make the doing come any easier. In fact, knowing that the place I’m at in life is entirely my own fault and easily fixed actually makes things harder. Because I know I could be doing better. I should be doing better. It is completely within my power to do better. But I don’t. And then I hate myself for it. I hate myself  because I hate the situation I’m in, and I’m doing nothing to get out of it. I hate myself because I’m not doing the things I could do, and should do.

When I hate myself, it becomes even more difficult to pull myself out of bed. I do even less. I stop even taking care of myself. The more I hate myself, the less I do, and the less I do, the more I hate myself. I bring myself down to a breaking point, where everyone around me can see how little I am functioning. The last time I hit this breaking point, I wound up in the hospital for seven days. The time before that, I wound up in jail for a night. This behavior isn’t okay.

But I can’t fucking stop. I feel like my life is quicksand, slowly pulling me under until I can’t breathe anymore. Eventually, someone pulls me up, only to let go at the last second. Then I start sinking again. There’s no way out of it completely.

I’m trying to do better, I really am. I’ve put in job applications, and applied to start going to school again. I’ve been doing projects around the house. I’m trying to force it. I’m trying to force myself up out of the quicksand. I don’t think it’s working, though. I feel like I’m under the surface already, but nobody can see it now.

And I know what you’re going to say. I just need to try harder. I can do it, even if I think I can’t.

I know. I know I know I know I KNOW I KNOW. God dammit. I KNOW I just need to try harder. God, if that was all it took, just a little effort, I wouldn’t be here right now, complaining about it. There wouldn’t be scads of other people all in a similar situation right now.

I’m doing the best that I can. I really am, I swear. I’m sick of being told that I’m not trying hard enough, because I AM. When someone is doing their best, and you tell them they need to try harder, you’re only telling them that they aren’t good enough. And I know. I know I’m not good enough. I hear it hidden in the words of everyone I know, and I hear it from myself every second of every day. I don’t need anyone else to tell me I’m not good enough.

This has really devolved into a self-pity-party. Sorry about that. If I wasn’t so committed to posting every little thought that I write out, I wouldn’t put this up at all. It’s pretty fucking sad, and wouldn’t make it past my brain-to-mouth filter if I tried to say it out loud. So here is some raw, unfiltered me. I’m pretty pathetic, aren’t I?

Sentimental

I don’t know where my head’s been, lately. I’ve been daydreaming and nightdreaming and then scolding myself for doing either, because it doesn’t get me any closer to where I want to be. Then I remember that I have no idea where I want to be, and I scold myself for having all these stupid existential thoughts and musings when I can’t even figure that much out.

I wish that I could just figure that shit out already. It’d give me some desire, some drive to get my life straightened out. I don’t have any of it, because I don’t even know what the hell I want to work towards.

Well, maybe that’s not quite right. I do know what I want. I just also know that it’s impossible. I want to play music for the rest of my life. I want to tour, to see things and meet people that I could have never even imagined before. I want to get all sentimental and win the heart of the girl I love. I want there to be a girl I love.

I want to sit on a staircase and talk for hours and hours with people I care about.

I want to watch fireworks with a girl, and maybe hold hands, if I can manage that much.

I want to walk in the rain getting soaked on my way home, but be okay with it.

I want to lean over a railing with a cigarette in my hand, and spout something profound.

It’s all nonsense, I know. It’s all a bunch of stupid dreams that my stupid head has decided matter more than the road ahead of me does. I don’t know. I just hope that the road ahead of me has a few places to rest and look at the stars along the way.

Impact

I clear all the dust from my throat
and steel myself
oh, how I loved you of old
and loved no one else

I brace for the impact
that I’ve been expecting
oh god, it’s just moments away
My nerves remain intact
but after the contact
I am just moments away

from you

Dream

When I dream, I imagine myself at the center of the universe. Everything can go wrong around me, but I always end up okay. I manipulate everything around me, and I am in control. Nobody can hurt me, and I can do whatever I want. I can date my crush, I can yell at my ex, and I can jump so high that I can see the tops of trees. Everything is perfect. I wake up into a world where none of that is true. My crush is dating someone, I have unresolved feelings about my ex, and I remain chained to the earth by gravity. Every time I wake up, I desperately try to fall back asleep, in the hopes that I can leave this place behind again. It always slips away from me, and I am stuck here again. And I’m alone.

Cold

We’re at the bottom
of that asphalt peak
and still pretending
nobody in the world can see

and we sit and shout into the stars
Because they’re the only things worthy
of hearing what we had to say

and we spin and scream into the cold
because that’s the only thing that will listen
to what I need to say.

We’ll be here forever, friends, won’t we?
They all tell nothing but lies.
We’ll never be distanced by trials and time.

Got It

Here’s another song for you guys.

I’m Feeling Kind Of Pathetic Today.

I’m just a waste of potential
she said
I might as well burn up
my bedroom and my bed
’cause it don’t matter
where I sleep
If I’m just
another sheep
’cause I am not exciting
everything I say is biting
cold and bitter
like your eyes
I could love them
or despise

I’m just wasting air
each time that I breathe in
and nobody cares
how much I try to keep in
I’m just wasting air
each time that I’m speakin’
and nobody cares
how much I try to keep in

I’m just a waste of her time
she said
’cause I can not pull this nail
out of my head
and it sticks out
of my eye
she said she can’t
watch me go blind
I’m a lost cause
and I know it
and I’ve done so much
to show it

I’m just wasting air
each time that I breathe in
and nobody cares
how much I try to keep in
I’m just wasting air
each time that I’m speakin’
and nobody cares
how much I try to keep in

So she turned and walked away
I guess that’s all she had to say
there’s a shadow on my face
and there’s a lot of empty space
And I know
Oh I know
I’m alone

and I’m just wasting air
every time that I breathe in
if somebody’s there
can you hear me screamin’?
I’m stuck here tonight
I can’t even fight
I’m sick of the night.

Alright

Everybody tells me to get my head straight
as if it were that easy to calm, to satiate
I’m trying hard to be the same.
Everbody tells me to make up my mind
as if it were that easy to keep myself in line
I’m trying hard to feel the same.

Waking up again to another headache
she says that it’s okay, everybody makes mistakes
but I don’t think that it’s the same.
She says it’s just a matter of my way of thinking
but everywhere I sail, the ship still ends up sinking
I just can’t believe that it’s the same.

I’ve been trying to be okay, alright
But you’ve been waiting for me to change, all night
but every time I end up the same, you’re right
but I’ve been trying to be okay

Everybody tells me the world keeps turning
but everywhere I turn the bridge just keeps on burning
and I just can’t get over that tonight.
another little pill but I’m still unsteady
it’s time to make it home, but I’m still not ready
I just can’t go anywhere tonight.

I’ve been trying to be okay, alright
But I’ve been waiting for things to change, all night
but every time they end up the same, you’re right
but I’ve been trying to be okay

I’ve been trying to be okay, alright
but I’ve been trying so hard to change, all night
and every time I end up the same, you’re right
but I’ve been trying to be okay

Light (With Music!)

I went ahead and recorded myself playing the song I just put up. I look fucking fat in the video. I swear to god I don’t look quite that terrible in person. But anyways, here’s the song. I hope someone likes it.

Light

It started with an episode of panic
turned into something so much more severe
I could be a ghost to half the planet
but then I wouldn’t get to call you dear

I searched for something underneathe the surface
but it was just under the surface of my skin
I cut off all the coverings to expose this
truth that I could only find within

and in the blood
there was a message
of hope
that I would stop this
and I saw somebody’s figure
in the light

It started with an episode of panic
turned into something so much more severe
I could be a ghost to half the planet
but then I wouldn’t get to be your dear

I searched for something underneathe the surface
but it was just under the surface of my skin
I rubbed off all the coverings to expose this
truth that I could only find within

and in the heat
there was a message
of hope
that I could fix this
and I saw something a whole lot
like myself
in the mirror
and in the light
there was a figure
I don’t believe in
and he turned
and walked away
from me

There’s a lot of things this song is about. Self-injury and recovery are the main themes, though.