My Thoughts Are Pollution

Coming-of-age ramblings that don't mean much in the long run

Month: September, 2014


I have a comment sitting in my spam box that I thought was worth sharing.

It’s from someone who refers to themselves as “bondage webcams”.

“I every time spent my half an hour to read this website’s articles
daily along with a mug of coffee.”

That’s all.



I explained the other day that I feel a lot better now.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’ve wanted to see my own blood for a few days. Desperately. It’s taken everything in me to keep myself from picking up a razor and hacking up my arms again.

It doesn’t make any fucking sense. It’s so frustrating, how I can feel so much better, and feel like I’m past that point in my life, but still have these urges. And the thing is, they’re totally different urges than the ones I had before! I don’t know what the fuck is up with that. The temptations I used to get were based on feeling a release; I used self-harm as a means to get my adrenaline going so that I could have one huge moment of feeling crazy so that I could eventually crash from the high and feel normal again. I was actually able to get similar results by forcing myself to vomit, which was probably just as bad for me as cutting myself was. Now, I just want to see myself bleed. It feels bad. It feels wrong. Most of all, it feels different.

I feel so fucking lame. The fact that this impulse is based on something so trivial is really discouraging. It makes me feel like I’m just, you know, kind of a bad person. But I got hurt on accident yesterday, and rather than cleaning and treating the wound, I just looked at the blood, and when it stopped flowing, I’d force more of it out.

There’s still something wrong with me. It seems that my trials aren’t completely over yet. I’m going to try to resist the urge. I’m going to keep going to my support group. I don’t think I’m going to call a Crisis hotline, though. I don’t want to waste their time when I’m not in any actual danger. There’s no sadness behind this urge, no nothing. It’s just there, and it’s meaningless.

On an unrelated note, here’s a song that I like.

Hello, I Might Actually Be Myself Again, Holy Shit

Hey, guys. I have no idea what i’m about to write about. I figured I’d just start writing and see what falls out of my head. Here goes.

I feel better, I think. I feel loads better than I did before. It only took a weeklong stay at the hospital, nine weeks of outpatient care of varying degrees of intensity, the doubling of my therapy sessions, joining a self-harm support group and actually seeing a psychiatrist consistently. But now I feel like I can comfortably say that I’m actually in an okay place. It feels weird to put that out there. I’ve been in a state of severe depression for over a year and a half straight; I was there so long that it was starting to feel comfortable. And I’ve finally gotten to a better place.

It’s kind of scary, if I’m being totally honest. It’s new and different and weird and it makes me want to lock myself in my room and turn the lights off until I feel shitty again. I don’t  know, it’s just not something I feel used to yet. I’ve heard this sentiment from a lot of people in my situation, that there’s a period of time where you have to “break in” your new mood, as if it were the new pair of Vans I just bought that I swear don’t fit quite right. I mean, it just doesn’t feel like me.

The thing is, it is me. I remember a me that wasn’t afraid of waking up every day, who could not only hold down a job, but be the most goddamn reliable person on the schedule. Sure, I’ve always had issues, or whatever, but I did actually have a personality beyond “I feel like shit” before. And it’s back. Holy shit. It’s back. I’m back. I’m myself again, I’m back to being Parker and oh my god it’s still hard to grasp. I feel like it could slip away, too. It’s such an intangible thing, and I’ve had it for so little time, I’m really scared that it’s going to go away again.

I got a job. I got a job! Sure, it’s part-time work at a grocery store, but up until a little while ago, even that seemed completely out of my capabilities. On a side note, it is completely brain-dead work that isn’t satisfying in the least, but it’s incredibly easy and it pays a little better than my stint as management in fast food ever did. I feel like I could do better than this, though. Which is crazy, considering how long I felt like I couldn’t do anything at all.

I’m enjoying the things that I used to enjoy. I can actually sit down and play a video game without putting it away because I can’t focus. I could probably even read a book, if I ever got around to it.

I don’t know, it’s fucking crazy that I’m back at all. I thought I was never going to feel better. And sure, I’m not cured or anything, but I’m back to being myself again. It’s incredible. It’s overwhelming. I’m still bitter about so much, but it’s not the only thing I think about anymore! I’m learning to speak Japanese, I’m starting school when winter comes around, my god, I’m an actual human being again!

I think that’s all I’ve got in me, today. My writing has definitely suffered as a result of me feeling better. Maybe once I get used to it, it’ll come back to me. God, I hope it does, at least.


Internet Rage And Why It Has To Stop

So, I’m pretty fucking bummed out right now. The reason? I like video games. I like video games a whole lot. I like them enough to read extensive articles about them, and I follow certain segments of the enthusiast press religiously.

I can’t fucking handle doing that right now.

That particular segment of the internet has completely shit the bed. There is nowhere you can go without seeing something mean-spirited, and that’s if you’re lucky. If you’re a little less lucky, you’ll see some vile, despicable things that you never thought could come out of people. And you know why things are like this right now?

It’s because of a long-winded post proclaiming a woman named Zoe Quinn, creator of Depression Quest, to be a bad person. Well, no. That’s not entirely accurate. It’s actually because the internet has been a boiling pot full of disgusting emotions and hatred that has been ready to burst for a long fucking time. This post was just the point where people on the internet couldn’t hold in their stomach bile any longer, and felt the need to plaster the substance all over the internet.

I don’t want to discuss this incident (now referred to as “gamergate”, a ridiculously stupid name) in particular. I’m not a journalist, I’m just a young guy who blogs from home. I don’t want to contribute to the stream of hate. If you want to learn more about it, check out stories like this and this. Those two in particular seem to be fairly unbiased explanations of the current state of affairs. If you want to hear things from people who tend to share my sensibilities, you can check out Patrick Kleppek’s little write-up, and can generally read the stories that he recommends at the end of this article, too. I also suggest listening to this video, as TotalBiscuit is a pretty articulate person, and keeps a cool head for the duration of the thirty-minute monologue. Whatever you do, don’t just do a cursory google search in the hopes of finding out about it. You’re not going to get much of value that way.

I’m not even writing this to complain about “gamergate” specifically. I’m writing this to condemn this culture of hatred that my special little corner of the internet tends to foster.

I am so sick and tired of internet harassment. It has to stop. It has to fucking stop. It has consequences. Real, actual fucking consequences.

Last year, independent developer Phil Fish stepped out of the industry forever after a dealing with a stream of twitter-formulated piss pointed directly in his face. Phil Fish received death threats on a regular basis. You can’t even fucking find a story written about the guy that doesn’t have a slew of comments disparaging his work and his character.

And you know what?

Phil Fish was kind of a dick. It’s true. He didn’t interact with people in the most amicable of ways. He would respond the the constant flow of angry emails and tweets with words just as unkind as the words sent his way.

But, you know what?

Phil Fish is also a genius. In 2012, Phil Fish released a game called Fez. It was a critically acclaimed game that had people finding secrets and cracking codes in a way quite unlike anything else. It was so complex under the surface that it brought people together, if only for a little while.

And we’re never going to see anything that guy makes again. The internet may have won the fight, but they lost something much more important, and they lost it for everyone. We don’t get to play anything he makes ever again. And guess what? Phil Fish isn’t the only person that the internet has bullied out of making games.

It was recently announced that Mojang, the company responsible for Minecraft, was purchased by Microsoft. Notch,the original creator of Minecraft, will be leaving the company. He posted in a blog post,  “I was at home with a bad cold a couple of weeks ago when the internet exploded with hate against me over some kind of EULA situation that I had nothing to do with. I was confused. I didn’t understand. I tweeted this in frustration. Later on, I watched the This is Phil Fish [an aside from Noise Pollution: this is a very good watch] video on YouTube and started to realize I didn’t have the connection to my fans I thought I had. I’ve become a symbol. I don’t want to be a symbol, responsible for something huge that I don’t understand, that I don’t want to work on, that keeps coming back to me. I’m not an entrepreneur. I’m not a CEO. I’m a nerdy computer programmer who likes to have opinions on Twitter.

As soon as this deal is finalized, I will leave Mojang and go back to doing Ludum Dares and small web experiments. If I ever accidentally make something that seems to gain traction, I’ll probably abandon it immediately.”

Fuck, guys. You drove Notch away from us. One of the most brilliant creators of our time has stepped down, and refuses to make anything that people care about.

In the wake of “gamergate”, we lost Zoe Quinn, too. As I mentioned earlier, she created a game called Depression Quest. Depression Quest isn’t for everyone. It is a “game” in the loosest sense  of the word; it is much more like an experience designed to help those not suffering from depression to understand the illness. It’s beautifully written, and it manages to express what it’s like quite well. Playing Depression Quest was the catalyst for me seeking help. It made me realize that things weren’t actually okay, and that the way I was living was killing me.

Zoe Quinn probably isn’t going to make games anymore. I wouldn’t. Not after what she’s gone through. And maybe Zoe Quinn is a bad person. Who the fuck cares? It doesn’t justify the abuse she’s received. It doesn’t justify fucking anything. Don’t be a dick. Seriously, just don’t be a dick. If everyone would just live their lives by that simple mantra, the world would be an infinitely better place.

And god, that’s not even everyone who has been pushed out.

People have repeatedly stated that there’s some kind of “good cause” here, some “reason” for all of this, but I don’t see it. Even if they have some sort of legitimate point to make, they’re still standing with the screaming mob. Everyone around them is busy starting fires, and they’re starting fires too. Even if you’re starting a fire with good intentions, there’s no way to tell the difference between you and the bastards right now. You’re both starting fires in exactly the same places, how can you expect me to treat you any differently? Either stand up and speak against them, or wait for things to peter out before making your point. As things are now, you’re only making things worse,  and adding fuel to the fire.

I’m just tired of this. I’m really bummed out that things have come this far. I wish people were just… you know, better.

[Comments aren’t going to be disabled or anything, but if you’re a raging asshole or I just don’t feel like dealing with you, I’m not going to approve them. My blog, my rules. I don’t have to act professional, and I don’t have to allow anyone to promote hate on my personal blog.]

I Realize that I Mostly Post Lyrics Nowadays, But This One Has A Completely Different Tone Than What I Usually Write, So Yeah

Theres a knife
in my top drawer
‘neathe a t-shirt
and a pack of old cigarettes
There’s a razor
in my thought process
‘neathe a memory
that I thought was repressed

but I fucked that up too

There’s a crobar
in my backyard
and I grabbed it
’cause it reminded me of life
and I took it
to my skull
and I was bleeding
and I woke up in a hospital

and I am not like you

There’s a blanket
made of black cloth
that someone made for me
and I burned it even blacker
and that’s the same fit
that I threw then
spewing out my mouth
’cause I’m a worthless little bastard

I don’t know what to do

There’s a bottle
full of pink pills
and the bottom
was whiter than my skin
There’s an organ
pushing air through metal pipes
and out my throat
and I can’t suck it back in

but I fucked that up too.
and I am not like you.
I don’t know what to do.

fucked that up too.

I Feel Like This Song Is Important, Somehow