Hello, I Might Actually Be Myself Again, Holy Shit

by Noise Pollution

Hey, guys. I have no idea what i’m about to write about. I figured I’d just start writing and see what falls out of my head. Here goes.

I feel better, I think. I feel loads better than I did before. It only took a weeklong stay at the hospital, nine weeks of outpatient care of varying degrees of intensity, the doubling of my therapy sessions, joining a self-harm support group and actually seeing a psychiatrist consistently. But now I feel like I can comfortably say that I’m actually in an okay place. It feels weird to put that out there. I’ve been in a state of severe depression for over a year and a half straight; I was there so long that it was starting to feel comfortable. And I’ve finally gotten to a better place.

It’s kind of scary, if I’m being totally honest. It’s new and different and weird and it makes me want to lock myself in my room and turn the lights off until I feel shitty again. I don’t  know, it’s just not something I feel used to yet. I’ve heard this sentiment from a lot of people in my situation, that there’s a period of time where you have to “break in” your new mood, as if it were the new pair of Vans I just bought that I swear don’t fit quite right. I mean, it just doesn’t feel like me.

The thing is, it is me. I remember a me that wasn’t afraid of waking up every day, who could not only hold down a job, but be the most goddamn reliable person on the schedule. Sure, I’ve always had issues, or whatever, but I did actually have a personality beyond “I feel like shit” before. And it’s back. Holy shit. It’s back. I’m back. I’m myself again, I’m back to being Parker and oh my god it’s still hard to grasp. I feel like it could slip away, too. It’s such an intangible thing, and I’ve had it for so little time, I’m really scared that it’s going to go away again.

I got a job. I got a job! Sure, it’s part-time work at a grocery store, but up until a little while ago, even that seemed completely out of my capabilities. On a side note, it is completely brain-dead work that isn’t satisfying in the least, but it’s incredibly easy and it pays a little better than my stint as management in fast food ever did. I feel like I could do better than this, though. Which is crazy, considering how long I felt like I couldn’t do anything at all.

I’m enjoying the things that I used to enjoy. I can actually sit down and play a video game without putting it away because I can’t focus. I could probably even read a book, if I ever got around to it.

I don’t know, it’s fucking crazy that I’m back at all. I thought I was never going to feel better. And sure, I’m not cured or anything, but I’m back to being myself again. It’s incredible. It’s overwhelming. I’m still bitter about so much, but it’s not the only thing I think about anymore! I’m learning to speak Japanese, I’m starting school when winter comes around, my god, I’m an actual human being again!

I think that’s all I’ve got in me, today. My writing has definitely suffered as a result of me feeling better. Maybe once I get used to it, it’ll come back to me. God, I hope it does, at least.