My Thoughts Are Pollution

Coming-of-age ramblings that don't mean much in the long run

Month: November, 2014

Finding a Reason

I think I’ve made it pretty clear that my writing has been suffering as of late, whether that was through my complaining about it, or just by the lack of written content on the blog lately. I don’t really know what the cause is exactly, but this sea of self-doubt that I’ve been mired in might have something to do with it.

I’ve been wondering what it is exactly that I have to offer other people. I don’t really know what I thought I was offering until now, but I’ve come to the conclusion that it is very little. I think that before I started thinking about this, I was under some sort of delusion that being relatively kind and thoughtful was somehow enough. I don’t really believe that anymore. I have to be more than this. I can’t just be a human being; I need to be an exceptional human being. I need to present some sort of reason for my existence, otherwise I’m just another face in the crowd, doing nothing but being a small part of a bigger picture. Sure, some people will notice when I’m gone, but as it stands now, that bigger picture looks just fine without me.

I think a lot of this type of thinking has stemmed from my desire to be in a relationship again. I’m trying to figure out what exactly I have that other people don’t. I want to know why anyone would choose me over someone else. I’m coming up short. Sure, I can play guitar, but it’s not enough. I’m not enough. I don’t have what people want. If I ever do end up in a relationship again, you can be damn sure that it’s not going to last. The moment anyone I end up with sees an opportunity to be with just about anyone else, they’re going to take it. It really makes all of my past relationships make sense. All I had to offer them was me, and me isn’t really that important. Other people have themselves, and that’s more than enough to take the people I loved from me.

I don’t feel depressed right now. I’m fine, honestly, and things are looking up. I just don’t really see a reason why I exist. I don’t know why anyone would waste their time talking to me, romantically or otherwise. I can’t figure out what it is that makes me special or unique.

It’s really weird, being absolutely suicidal, but not actually feeling sad about anything. This is pretty new to me.

Thanks

I’m not going to post everything that I’m thankful for, as that would take far too long, but I am going to post the things the stand out the most to me at this very moment.

I’m thankful that I was born in the circumstances that I was born in. Sure, they may not have been as perfectly perfect as they could have been, but I was still born into a pretty privileged position. My family may have been thrown together at the last minute and bound to break, and they may not have been the most financially stable people in the world, but I didn’t have to live with any sort of racial or gender discrimination growing up. I was born lucky, in that regard.

I’m thankful for music. I’m thankful for all of the musicians that I like, and for all of the hard work they put into creating the things that inspire me so.

I’m thankful for my family, as cliched as that may be. If not for them and they’re willingness to forgive, I’d probably be either homeless or dead right now.

I’m thankful for my new job. Oh, yeah, I guess I forgot to mention anything about that on this blog. I quit my old shitty job two months ago, and a week ago started a new one that I am much happier at. Maybe I’ll go into more detail about that situation at some point, maybe not. Regardless, I’m thankful for it, as it has made me much happier.

Im thankful for the people in my support group. They’re all so… supportive. I haven’t self-injured in over two months thanks to those guys.

Here’s Another Acoustic Cover Of A Song I Like (With Description!)

I’m still completely incapable of writing my own content at the moment, so here is a cover of a song by my favorite band, The Front Bottoms.

This was my anthem back when I was using all the time. “We both know where this is going to lead to” was a line often sung out into the sky by my best friend and I while in the middle of a park at three in the morning during some sort of hallucinogenic trip. It’s such a simple line, and it’s not even really all that poetic, but it just captured our feelings about our drug use so perfectly. We knew what road we were going down. We didn’t need anyone to fucking tell us that we were fucking up. We knew that we were fucking up. We were doing it on purpose, and we understood the consequences.

There was something about that attitude that I still admire, even now that I’ve been sober for a full year. It was a really beautiful, youthful sentiment.

Anyways, here it is. Hopefully you can feel my attachment to the song in my voice. That’s kind of what I hope for with all of my covers, honestly.

I Guess This Post Is About Morality

I’ve changed a lot from when I was younger.

I mean, everyone does, right? It’s always happening, and there’s very little a person can do to stop it. It’s kind of frustrating, actually. The person I was fifteen years ago wouldn’t believe they’d ever be the person I was five years ago. The person I was five years ago would likely be disgusted with who I am now. Not that I’m not a little bit disgusted with who I am now at the present, but I’ll talk about that some other time.

I think the biggest change people go through as they get older is a change to their sense of morality. When you are born, up to around the point that you start going to school, your sense of morality is skewed to be incredibly selfish. It’s not without reason, and its not like I condemn children for it. I mean, at such a young age, it is very difficult, if not impossible to take care of yourself, so the desire to take everything for yourself and expect nothing less is practically necessary for survival.

I think.

Ah, whatever. I’m really just talking out of my ass at this point. All of this talk about the morals of young children is really just meant to be an introduction for the part of the subject that’s actually interesting, and that’s the change from adolescence to adulthood.

I used to see things as very black and white. There was a right and there was a wrong, and sure, maybe there was an in-between, but it never really came up. If you wronged me, you were wrong. If I wronged you, eh, maybe I had some sort of reason for it that made it right in my mind. I’ll be the first to admit that this noble way of viewing the world was actually pretty self-serving, and… well, I was about to say that it wasn’t right, and that would have been pretty ironic, considering. I just don’t think that seeing the world in terms of right and wrong is always as selfless and chivalrous and noble and beautiful as it sounds on paper. There is a lot of baggage when it comes to seeing the world that way, with very little room for self improvement, and even less room for a legitimate discussion on morality.

I then went through a period of time where I decided that there was no such thing as right and wrong; there were only grey areas, and nothing really mattered. This was during a period of my life where I was lying all of the time and destroying my body, mind and relationships with drugs and alcohol, so this view was actually pretty self-serving too.

Now, I don’t know if this is right, exactly, but my current understanding of morality is that, yeah, every action is a grey area, but there are different shades of gray. I’ve come to realize that all of the terrible things that people do aren’t exactly the result of people choosing to do terrible things. Every action is actually a reaction to something else, be it an emotion, an unstable mental state, a distorted view of reality or their own broken image of morality. I know that I’ve done terrible things, but I’d like to believe that it isn’t because I’m a terrible person who chooses to do terrible things. I’d like to believe that there were circumstances that lead me to making the choices that I did, and while I absolutely had the ability to make better choices, I want to believe that my failure to do so is not some sort of irreversible stain on my personal character, proving that I am a terrible human being.

Holding that belief about my own choices means that I have to treat the choices of other people the same way. If somebody does something that I perceive as wrong, I have to force myself to take a step back and examine it in a different light, and if I still fail to understand it, that’s kind of on me. That isn’t to say that I’m some kind of saint who never gets angry at people. To be honest, I get angry at people for the choices they make all the time. I just don’t think that reaction of mine is actually the right one.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this anymore. This was probably ridiculously self-indulgent and difficult to read, but hey, at least I wrote something. It’s been a while.

In case you hated that, here is a song that I like.

This is a Video of Me Playing Guitar

In the haze of this crippling episode of writer’s block, I decided to record me playing a song written by someone who isn’t me. The audio quality sucks. Hope you like it anyway.