I Guess This Post Is About Morality

by Noise Pollution

I’ve changed a lot from when I was younger.

I mean, everyone does, right? It’s always happening, and there’s very little a person can do to stop it. It’s kind of frustrating, actually. The person I was fifteen years ago wouldn’t believe they’d ever be the person I was five years ago. The person I was five years ago would likely be disgusted with who I am now. Not that I’m not a little bit disgusted with who I am now at the present, but I’ll talk about that some other time.

I think the biggest change people go through as they get older is a change to their sense of morality. When you are born, up to around the point that you start going to school, your sense of morality is skewed to be incredibly selfish. It’s not without reason, and its not like I condemn children for it. I mean, at such a young age, it is very difficult, if not impossible to take care of yourself, so the desire to take everything for yourself and expect nothing less is practically necessary for survival.

I think.

Ah, whatever. I’m really just talking out of my ass at this point. All of this talk about the morals of young children is really just meant to be an introduction for the part of the subject that’s actually interesting, and that’s the change from adolescence to adulthood.

I used to see things as very black and white. There was a right and there was a wrong, and sure, maybe there was an in-between, but it never really came up. If you wronged me, you were wrong. If I wronged you, eh, maybe I had some sort of reason for it that made it right in my mind. I’ll be the first to admit that this noble way of viewing the world was actually pretty self-serving, and… well, I was about to say that it wasn’t right, and that would have been pretty ironic, considering. I just don’t think that seeing the world in terms of right and wrong is always as selfless and chivalrous and noble and beautiful as it sounds on paper. There is a lot of baggage when it comes to seeing the world that way, with very little room for self improvement, and even less room for a legitimate discussion on morality.

I then went through a period of time where I decided that there was no such thing as right and wrong; there were only grey areas, and nothing really mattered. This was during a period of my life where I was lying all of the time and destroying my body, mind and relationships with drugs and alcohol, so this view was actually pretty self-serving too.

Now, I don’t know if this is right, exactly, but my current understanding of morality is that, yeah, every action is a grey area, but there are different shades of gray. I’ve come to realize that all of the terrible things that people do aren’t exactly the result of people choosing to do terrible things. Every action is actually a reaction to something else, be it an emotion, an unstable mental state, a distorted view of reality or their own broken image of morality. I know that I’ve done terrible things, but I’d like to believe that it isn’t because I’m a terrible person who chooses to do terrible things. I’d like to believe that there were circumstances that lead me to making the choices that I did, and while I absolutely had the ability to make better choices, I want to believe that my failure to do so is not some sort of irreversible stain on my personal character, proving that I am a terrible human being.

Holding that belief about my own choices means that I have to treat the choices of other people the same way. If somebody does something that I perceive as wrong, I have to force myself to take a step back and examine it in a different light, and if I still fail to understand it, that’s kind of on me. That isn’t to say that I’m some kind of saint who never gets angry at people. To be honest, I get angry at people for the choices they make all the time. I just don’t think that reaction of mine is actually the right one.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this anymore. This was probably ridiculously self-indulgent and difficult to read, but hey, at least I wrote something. It’s been a while.

In case you hated that, here is a song that I like.