My Thoughts Are Pollution

Coming-of-age ramblings that don't mean much in the long run

Month: December, 2014

This Is A Barely Coherent Amalgamation Of My Incredibly Warped And Broken Thoughts On Romance At The Moment

What a way to ring in the new year, with the same shit I always post. One hour to go. I’m going to be asleep when it happens, hopefully. Otherwise I fucked up. I’ve got work tomorrow. At my job! That I’m keeping, in spite of the fact that they originally hired me as a seasonal employee! Anyways, here’s my incredibly warped and moderately disturbing perspective on romance.

Don’t even humor me
I’m thinking all these awful things
like maybe she’d fall in love with me
If I tried a little harder
as if that was the way of things
manipulated easily
you won’t fall in love with me
we can’t go any farther

it’s just a fantasy
as if you being stuck with me
could ever make you happy
compared to any other
I’m not content to try to be
a member of your company
I have to fade away completely
or I’m worse than every other

It’s not right
for me to think of you at all
I’m way too fucking small
to be the only boy you’d call
when you feel lonely,
I feel lonely
It’s not right
for me to like everything about you
I don’t know anything about you
but the world seems so much worse without you
even occasionally

I
don’t deserve
to make eye
contact with her

but I can’t get enough
but I can’t even fill you up
the last girl I loved
was the last girl I loved

Never Go Outside

There were these darkened streets
lit by the shivering
posts that were inconsistant
with how I wanted things to be
And there was this brave young man
and I tried so hard to stand
as his equal, as part of the plan
but eventually I ran

I saw his quaking arms
and how quickly they grew scars
I would be just like him
And so I took it on myself
And there were these age-old lines
along my feet and thighs
but they weren’t good enough
and so I dragged my eyes

across the surface of the skin

There was this winter chill
out on old Garbage Hill
with every light fixture
burnt out to fuel the thrill
They streched into the sky
and I knew that maybe I
If I really, really tried
could stretch out to be so high

and of course he quickly followed
there was less for him to lose
his cuts were deep and mine were shallow
but at least he could choose
I saw through crying eyes
A cute girl caress his thighs
was there something left for me?
These small things start to rise

out of the graves they were laid in

 

 

 

Do you ever write something, and realize you’ve learned something about yourself that you didn’t know before you started writing?

An Overdramatization of What Actually Consists of Almost Nothing

I subsist on
apathy
she doesn’t understand
that part of me
and I exist in
make believe
you don’t have to get
that part of me.

She saw the blood on her arm
She saw the blood on the floor
She felt the twitch in her heart
But she doesn’t have to feel it anymore

I tried to analyze this thing
by dragging a blade across my wrist
She felt her heart start to sing
but she doesn’t want to exist

and I can’t make it on my own
but I know you want to be alone
so I’m not asking you to stay
but please don’t go too far away

Well, such is life
and I don’t even know why
I know you’ll never love me
but tell me it’s alright

and I’ll believe you

I will.

 

I will.

Lover In the Snow

 

Click that little “play” button. Then read. The idea of that makes me happy, so humor me, please.

 

I think I’ve forgotten how to like somebody. Romantically. You know?

At the very least, I’ve forgotten the feeling. If it’s come up recently, I don’t recognize it.

I think I might have some very faint feelings for someone right now. I don’t know. I remember a long time ago…

…Well, I guess it wasn’t all that long ago. It was a little over a year ago now. But I remember. I remember feeling this sort of thing so goddamn strongly. I remember having feelings that could be betrayed, you know? Right now, they’re not anywhere close to strong enough for that to be a possibility. I remember being led on, as if that was a thing that could happen. I had these raw, underdeveloped feelings that were painful to the touch and people were fucking touching them. It hasn’t been that way in a long time. A long time for me, at least. But who knows? Maybe the feelings are still the same, but no one has been prodding them like they used to. No one has had the urge to poke the corpse that is my emotions with a stick, like a kid would on a dare.

Or maybe my emotions are muted. Or developed. Maybe I’m just more mature than I was. If thats the reason why I don’t feel things the way I used to anymore, than I’d rather be a child forever.

But I do have an inkling of a feeling for someone. So there is that. And it’s kind of nice.

Probably

 

Do me a favor and listen. It’s not my best performance, but I’m actually really happy with how this song turned out in general. Lyrics are on the actual Youtube page and here.

Probably (Pessimism: The Song)

I try to think about myself
so I don’t dwell on anyone else
Oh, if I tried to kill myself
I don’t think you’d rush over
I think I figured out myself
my god, I’m just like everyone else
I feel a lot like my younger self
I’m just a little older

and I don’t know
’cause I don’t see
her anymore, is she happier?
probably.

I try to let nobody in
but while the doors are locked, these walls are thin
and so I feel them crawling through my skin
and I start to feel crazy
I think about where I have been
but you are there, standing in
and I can’t find where I begin
the line has gotten hazy

and I can’t say
’cause I can’t breathe
but am I better off this way?
Probably.

there’s something telling in this story
I’ve been telling lies since morning
oh my god, my life is boring
can’t you see the tears all pouring
out of every pour on me
even after all this therapy
is this what I am going to be
forever?
Probably.

30 Seconds

I once heard an interview with Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day where he suggests that if you want to make music, you should try to write at least thirty seconds of music every day.

I have no idea how long I’m going to be able to commit to that, but I’m on my third consecutive day as of today.

I didn’t write much lyrics-wise to go with the guitar part I wrote; it’s just a short, unhappy line.

And I

haven’t earned it.

So I

don’t deserve it.

The idea is that the context of the rest of the song will imply that that line is about literally everything in my life, from the things I want desperately, to the things I already have.

So yeah. There’s my happy-holiday-head-space.

Working On It

I felt it slipping from my fingers
I felt it slipping from my mind
I watched you walk out of my bedroom
after I kept you up all night

with my

stupid little things
that never meant anything
to anyone else but me
but that’s a part of life, I think
fearful eyes
that never felt good inside
when I was alone at night
but that’s a part of life
or what I’ve found it to be

Time

I feel like there are all these things I could be doing, and all this content I need to absorb. I have about eight books I need to read, six hours of podcasts to catch up on, three video games that deserve more time than I’ve been giving them, a currently neglected hobby in MTG, a few shows to watch, and even a few movies I want to go back to and watch again. I also need to write more content for this blog and respond to several people via email.

But what am I doing?

Absolutely fucking nothing.

God, even when all of the stuff I need to get done is completely trivial and actually entertaining I still can’t bring myself to do it.

Somebody Like Me

I stole your soul
and I had never seen you
happier before
so why are you so unhappy now?
I took your heart
and tore it up
but you had asked for nothing more
I just can’t figure it out

and it was dark
and I was scared of the dark then
and it was hard
to learn to be alone again

and you won’t understand
’cause you never had to be
somebody like me
somebody like me
and won’t understand
’cause you never to to be
without another hand
gripping yours so tightly
and you won’t understand
’cause you never had to be
buried in the sand
by a rising, raging sea
and you won’t understand
’cause you never had to see
what once was a man
is now somebody like me

somebody like me

I walked around
I did surround myself
with smoke from cigarettes
I guess its ’cause I’m unhappy now
I know that everything’s
going to be fine
but it hasn’t happened yet
wait for everything to work out

and it was raw
the words I was screaming
back when I saw
the world I loved leaving

and you won’t understand
’cause you never had to be
somebody like me
somebody like me
and you won’t understand
cause you never had to see
your hand in my hand
meant everything to me
and you won’t understand
’cause you never had to be
anything but bland
anything like me
and you won’t understand
’cause you never had to see
what once was a man
is now somebody like me

somebody like me

Will somebody like me?