by Noise Pollution
I’m writing a punk-rock song.
I’m getting so irritated at myself for not writing music and I think I haven’t been writing it because I forgot where I came from. I used to be in a really shitty punk band that played catchy music because it was the only thing we knew how to do. There were no formulas, no heavy discussions about our sound; we just fucking played. And it was so much fun. All of our songs were sad and angry, but all of them were upbeat. I don’t think I used a minor chord the whole time I played in that band. We sucked, and it was awesome, and I wrote some fan-fucking-tastic stuff amidst all of that.
So I’m writing a punk-rock song.
And now I’m amped up, like I haven’t been in fucking forever. I’m angry about a ton of stuff. I’m angry about things I didn’t even know I was angry about! I mean, there’s the basic stuff, like being mad at my ex and some of my old friends, and being mad about how shit hit the fan so quickly. But then there’s other stuff, like how frustrating this whole “recovery attitude” has been. I’m naturally unhappy; thats just who I am. And I’m angry about this mindset I’ve been growing into where the things I’m unhappy about aren’t the fault of the people around me; it’s the fault of this disease. I’m sick of this “we can work past this” shit. Maybe I don’t want to work past it! Maybe I just want to punch someone in the goddamn face and scream at people over the phone because I hate them! Maybe I want to drink myself quiet and not have anyone fucking tell me that it’s wrong, or that I’m hurting myself, or whatever. Maybe I want to drink myself loud and wander around at night without worrying about having to move to another state after getting thrown into a goddamn police car. Maybe I’m sick of consequences!
And yeah, all of that shit I just said; it’s totally childish. But you know what? Being a conscientious and polite adult has not been going so well. I’ve been so goddamn upset about so many things, but I haven’t hurt anyone around me. I haven’t been childish and blamed other people for things that were beyond their control. I’ve been as self-aware as I could possibly be. And I’m miserable and I hate myself.
All of this emotion is going to bleed away from me in about twenty minutes, and I’ll feel completely stupid for posting this immature nonsense then. But I need to post it, so I can acknowledge that this is inside me. I need to remember that on some level, all of this calm-headedness and logical thought about my emotions is driving me crazy. If I just write this down and throw it away, it won’t be the same. It’ll be getting the thoughts out, but it won’t be acknowledging their existence. So, here goes. I’m posting something incredibly immature. Yep. Doing it.