Cigarette Blues, Part IV

by Noise Pollution

I’ve picked up smoking again, a little bit.

No, really. Just a little bit. Since I started smoking again a few months ago, I’ve had no more than three in a week, and three is on the high end. I’m back to where I was when I first started smoking. I’m a social smoker, and I only do it one night a week, at my support group. As I’ve probably mentioned before, smoking is just an easy in for conversation, and a great excuse to break away from the majority of a group of people. It is really helpful for an awkward person like myself, and god do I love the feeling nicotine gives me.

I guess that’s a problem. If I weren’t so completely paranoid about my current living situation, I know I’d be smoking a lot more. I guess I should be thankful for that, then.

I really shouldn’t be smoking. When I quit using, I decided to quit smoking at the same time, and giving up cigarettes was way more difficult than giving up the various substances I was taking. The only thing that was ever more difficult to stop doing was… Well, I’m not going to go into specifics, but it was an upper and it was so goddamn great and it was also so fucking terrible for me and hard on my body that I quit using that long before I quit anything else.

But I know why I started smoking again. It’s not even for the nicotine, ironically enough. It’s because I haven’t cut myself in three months. I need something destructive in my life; I need to feel like I’m fucking something up in some way. If I’m not doing something wrong, then who the  hell am I? I’ve spent the last nine years of my life doing everything in my power to fuck up. How the hell am I supposed to quit everything bad and still feel like myself?

That’s not even the whole reason. The other reason is that it’s something that I want to do, that I’m not supposed to do, and doing it gives me a sense of freedom and control that I lack in my current living situation.

So I don’t really plan on quitting, even though that’s the right thing to do. Sometimes, you just have to make the wrong decision, and that’s okay, I think.