by Noise Pollution
I’m stuck again.
I don’t know how to make progress anymore. I’ve got a job, I’m doing things around the house, but I don’t remember where I’m supposed to go from here.
I mean, there are things that I want to do, sure. I just don’t know how to get to the point where doing those things seems at all viable. As it stands now I have little to no energy for anything besides my job and the few things I do manage to get done on a day-to-day basis. When I’m finished with something, all I want to do is, well, nothing.
And so I do. I do so much fucking nothing that I can’t remember how to do anything else.
You know what I want to do? I want to perform a few of those songs that I’ve written. Like, in front of actual people, not just a shitty webcam that records a video that like, four people will ever watch. I want to be in a band again. I want to workshop some of these songs with other people; people who can foster the creativity I have and turn into something more important than it is. I want to write a book, or something! I want to write something more substantial than a whiney blog post; something more important than a poem no one will read. I want to live somewhere else. I want to live a life where maybe I’m not getting drunk all the time, but if I ever feel like having a drink or a cigarette, I can just sit down and do it without having to have a panic attack about it, without having it be some sort of direct message of hatred towards my parents. Which it never would be, but fuck, if I ever get caught doing anything like that, it’s somehow all about them. While me having a drink is actually a sign that I want to get out of my head for a little while, my parents see it as a sign that I want to kill my them and my siblings in their sleep, whilst worshipping the devil and cursing the god I don’t believe in while also having unprotected sex with multiple partners of ambiguous gender while cutting myself and drowning small children and kittens in the blood, laughing maniacally the entire time.
Maybe that was a slight exaggeration. Though I really am upset that every single decision I make while living here is directly about my relationship with my parents and can’t possibly have any other reasoning behind it.
But anyways, I’m just kind of stuck here in life right now. There are things I want to do, but I don’t really know how. Or maybe I do know how, and I just don’t have it in me to actually accomplish anything, ever. I don’t fucking know. Ugh.