by Noise Pollution

There are vague feelings there, I suppose. There’s definitely no fire lit in my soul, and no real pressing need to make any progress in that direction. But the feelings are there. Whatever that means.

I don’t know. If I’m being perfectly honest with myself, I would love to be head-over-heels for her. It would give me something relatively positive to obsess over as opposed to this nothingness I obsess over now. But I’m not. I have this small, fleeting attraction towards her that goes away the second she’s out of sight. That’s not love. That’s not even close. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt actual love before, but whatever I’ve felt before is a whole hell of a lot closer than this is.

There’s another girl, too. But no. She’s not an option, and that’s okay. I don’t really want to get into why. But she’s really just an incredible person, and if we hung out outside of the one occasion where we see each other on a somewhat consistent basis, we’d get along exceptionally well. I think she understands this absolutely biting need that I have to spend time doing absolutely nothing of value more than anyone else I’ve ever encountered. But again, not an option, as far as romance is concerned. And that’s totally okay. Because that’s entirely off the table, the feelings that would normally be there are not. I find that odd, considering how passionate and desperate I used to be, but the idea of remaining friends with this person actually sounds absolutely ideal to me.

And there was another person, too, but I’ve long since dropped communications with her. Not because of a fight or disagreement or anything, we just sorta… lost touch, you know? And that happens. And that’s okay. She was a friend when I needed her to be, and now she isn’t, and that’s fine. I guess. Maybe it’s not. Maybe it sucks. But it’s far too late to do anything about that. After failing to communicate with her for about six months, I deleted her phone number. I’m not on social media, either, so that tenuous thread was all there was connecting us, before I finally cut it.

But that’s okay. It’s okay. We weren’t compatible in a romantic sense, anyway. We were barely compatible as friends. I think we just happened to be of a similar age and were kind of stuck in the same place for a while, so we talked to each other, like, you know, people do. I think that complete incompatibility did make her seem pretty attractive to me, for some reason. She wasn’t mysterious in the least, but the fact that she was so different from me in spite of having certain things in common drew me in, I think. We both had totally fucked-up childhoods, we both struggled with self-injury at some point, we were both… well, we were both attending the thing that we were attending that I don’t want to get too specific about, and we both were wrapped up in social circles that some people might describe as “fuck-ups.” And I guess we were kind of “fuck-ups” too, though think that applies to me more than it did her. I think there’s a good chance that those similarities I found between us were only really visible to me, because I was probably looking for them.

But in spite of all that, she was the last person I met who ever gave me “butterflies”, even if they didn’t last long and were barely recognizable as such. The person who I am attracted to at the moment doesn’t do that. I don’t even think I’m really attracted to her. I think I just tell myself that I am so that I can feel like there’s something, anything romantic happening in my life. If she ever expressed interest in me, I probably would respond to those feelings, though that’s not ever going to happen. And I’d be in the wrong for doing it, I think. I’ve tricked myself into having feelings again, and they aren’t real. They’re there so that I can tell myself I still have them. So I can pretend I’m still human, and not just some entity consisting entirely of apathy, fear, and bitterness. I think that’s what I am.

(P.S. This post is titled as such because I am considering a previous post [which I will keep to myself] to be “One” and I consider this to be a vague continuation of that theme where I jump immediately into a topic as though I were halfway through a thought about it. And I don’t feel like titling a bunch of related posts in an entirely separate manner.)