Gross Imagery Ahead

by Noise Pollution

This morning, I was awoken by vomit literally pouring out of my nose. Yes, out of my nose. I had no moment of being awake where this vomit could have potentially been held in, and upon waking I immediately ran to the bathroom to finish the wonderful-puke-thing that was happening. I then went back to my bed, changed my half-digested-nose-cereal-stained sheets, held a box of tissues and spent the next twenty minutes blowing my nose because the insides of it were on fire and also because gross. As it turns out, stomach acid doesn’t belong up there. Or food. Or a horrific slightly-chunky, slightly-goopy mix of both.

I feel like I’ve been so fucking sick for so long that I need to go to a doctor and find out what’s up. I don’t want to though. I’m scared of the likely causes of this sickness being confirmed. I’d rather just believe that I’m a sickly person than be told to stop smoking and to stop overeating. The smoking is why I cough. The overeating is why I puke. The lack of sleep (which is aided by both of those things) is why I’m always exhausted. But it’s so much easier to believe that this horrible state that my body is in is no fault of my own; that way I can keep overindulging in all the things that are bad for me.

I don’t smoke that much. No, really, I don’t. I have, like, three a week, and only on Thursdays. I don’t think that’s enough to cause the horrible coughing fits that I have, but on the weeks that I skip it… They aren’t as bad. That’s probably proof enough that I need to stop, but that just feels so shitty. I can’t even indulge in such a minor way without my body overreacting to it and making me feel like shit. I just want to be able to do something that’s bad for me, even a little bit. I hate the structure of good, clean, healthy living. I used to be on fucking meth. And I was healthier then than I am now!

I guess I’m just tired of these problems, but I hate the solutions. The solutions make me feel caged-in. I feel as though if I can’t have a vice, then I don’t have much of anything that I’m choosing for myself.