My Thoughts Are Pollution

Coming-of-age ramblings that don't mean much in the long run

Month: July, 2015

Don’t You Love Me? (Video)

Yep, I recorded it.

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Don’t You Love Me?

Don’t you love me?
Why can’t you stay?
Don’t you love me?
Don’t go away…
Don’t you love me?
It hurts that you can’t say.

Don’t you love me?
Now I’m all alone.
Don’t you love me?
Darling, please come home.
Don’t you love me?
It hurts that you don’t know.

I heard you swear
on your life
but you words go back and forth
like the tide
when all is said and done
I guess I’m not the only one
and I
can not
abide.

Don’t you love me?
Why are you still here?
Don’t you love me?
Leave me to my tears
Don’t you love me?
You’re something that I once held dear

Don’t you love me?
Let me forget.
Don’t you love me?
‘Cause I haven’t yet.
Don’t you love me?
Or was it just something you said?

I heard your heart
beat loud
But love, I just can’t grasp
like the clouds
When all is said and done
I guess I’m not the only one
And I
am feeling
down.

Don’t you love me?
I guess I misheard
Don’t you love me?
but it still hurts
Don’t you love me?
You used to, for what it’s worth.

What is it worth?

I Think We’re Alone Again

I wound up recording a cover of I Think We’re Alone Now after all of that gushing. Here it is. If you like it, and have an actual Youtube account, liking and subscribing will make me feel awesome. Though so will a couple of views, so don’t go out of your way or anything. I just want people to hear my stuff.

I Think We’re Alone Now

Man, I’m going to spend this entire birthday wishing I could write a line as concise as “I think we’re alone now.”

It’s seriously such an amazing grouping of five words. There aren’t many phrases that short that say as much as that one does. I know, I know, it looks really simple, and it is. That’s why its such a good goddamn line. It says everything it needs to and doesn’t even need the follow-up line, “there doesn’t seem to be anyone around / I think we’re alone now / the beating of our hearts is the only sound.” The rest of that is just there to make it rhyme. The rest of it is what makes it a pop song. If I had my way with that song, the chorus would just say “I think we’re alone now” twice, with a pause between them where the other lyrics are. It really says everything it needs to say. Every other part of the song is practically vestigial; it all only exists to give that line a place to exist. And I’m glad it did. The line is fucking beautiful.

Oh, yeah, and it is my birthday, by the way. I’m probably going to spend most of it napping, considering how I only managed to sleep for about four hours, and even that little bit wasn’t uninterrupted. I can’t fall back asleep now, though, I tried.

It Is Fear

I am afraid of my life

the more time passes
the smaller it all becomes
until everything important
is just
a thin, thin line
and it all points to
nothingness

but right now
is kind of like that
it’s kind of nothingness
thus

I am afraid of my life

every day that I spend
enjoying myself
is another day that I’m
not
not what I want to be
or where
it used to be a matter of when

but right now
it feels like a matter of fact
that I’m trapped in some other place
and

I am afraid of my life
because it could be better.

Still, Still Here

You are
still here
but I’m on
my own
I feel you
laying in my bed
when all I want to do
is sleep alone.
I can see
your clothes
laying on my
bedroom floor
I can hear
you laugh
even when I close my
bedroom door

and it doesn’t matter
what I do to fill the hole
’cause shit is just shit and everything’s shit
all the way down to my soul
and all the scars I had before
are just a reminder
that everything awful can always become more
awful, and it has.
and it will continue to.

You are
not real
but you seem so
physical, physical
As I shake
and I chill
and I sweat,
you make me physical, physically ill
without you,
It’s just me
there’s no us
there’s no we
without you
I’m just me
I just don’t know
what that means

Insides-Out

I have a fairly unique relationship with the act of throwing up. Is that too much information? I don’t know. If the words “throwing up,” “vomit,” or “puke” are at all descriptive enough on their own to make you feel uncomfortable, then this is not the article for you. Otherwise, I don’t plan on going into detail about the grosser bits of the process, so things should hopefully be fine.

Anyways, me and throwing up go way back. Back when I was young and in Elementary School, puking was a surefire way to get out of class. Be it at home so that I wouldn’t have to go in the first place, or in a Nurse’s Office bathroom so that I could cut out early. I have always been pretty averse to school, or really education of any kind. That’s unfortunate for its own reasons, but hey, that’s the way it was. I had sort of an affinity for the process of throwing up as, short of a few horrible bouts of food poisoning and the flu, it had only done me good growing up.

Then came high school, and with it a slew of new faces, new rules, but most of all, new chemicals. There were new chemicals in my head, sure; that was a part of growing up. Those didn’t even matter that much after a certain point, when I discovered the joys of doing drugs. Between the pills that made eating food at all a difficult prospect (they call it speed, kids) and the pills that made vomiting into a ritual (I’m looking at you, cough medicine) it didn’t take long for throwing up to become a part of my routine. It almost felt comfortable. It felt safe. If I was vomiting, that meant that either my body was expelling a dosage of a drug that was going to kill me otherwise, or it meant that my body was digesting the cough medicine I had downed and was futily trying to prevent the oncoming wave of euphoric nausea that I was praying would overtake me. Either outcome was positive in my eyes.

Then came post-high-school. That’s when I got immeasurably depressed. I was still using, obviously, but I wasn’t going out as often as I was prior to graduation. It just wasn’t an option; I had to work. And work I did, in spite of the fact that my job was horrible and soul-sucking and life-ending. I’d get home, and I’d vomit practically out of exhaustion. My body and mind couldn’t handle being anymore. This didn’t happen every night, but… combined with the one or two nights a week I did go out and lose my head, I was definitely expelling my guts three to four nights a week, sometimes multiple times a night.

Don’t take that the wrong way. I’ve never had an eating disorder. Sure, I’ve always kind of overeaten my whole life, and during this period of my life threw up frequently, but it was never about that. It was never about my body image. That was a side thing at best. At most I considered it a fringe benefit of my lifestyle that I was sickly enough to keep weight off.

Once the big breakup I’ve oft-described happened, I couldn’t keep food down at all. I was overeating, and puking up every meal. Again, not out of some body-image thing, but because I was so depressed that I felt sick. I felt so, so sick, and every time I spilled my guts I felt better for a little while. Like, fifteen minutes. I think puking releases endorphans into your head; something similer to adreneline, if not just straight-up adreneline. When I was kicking my drug habit but desperately needed some sort of chemical dump to happen, puking worked for a little while until I started cutting myself. Cutting myself is a whole lot more efficient and a lot less taxing on my insides and gives me a similar head rush.

I’ve since been working on the whole cutting thing. I’ve gone a about three months without it. But occasionally, due to oversensitivity to the things that begin this process, I will vomit profusely before going to bed and the chemicals that swim through my veins after doing so confuse me, very, very much. Like tonight. I felt so goddamn sick tonight, but everything’s fine now.

Everything is okay now.

Six weeks of Secondhand Smoke

My name
is spoken so quietly
I can’t
seem to pick it all up
Well I am
losing my sense of
self, that is not enough
My wish
I followed her outside
My love
for whatever you do
and my lungs
can suffer forever
if I can smoke with you.
I see
off in the distance
a fire
burning your arm
I take
a drag from my cigarette
I’m safe from harm
I am
willing to die for
but I’m not
going to try
you are
the love of my life for
as long as you’re in my sight
Oh I’m just
trying to forget
six weeks
just wasn’t enough
I have
erased every trace
of how we would keep in touch
My name
is spoken by no one
My love
is forgotten by all
My heart
has only been broken
but in love, I will again fall.

Heroine

Heroine, heroine
won’t you come save me?
Give me the redemption
that I haven’t earned
Give me the love
that I don’t deserve
oh
Heroine, heroine
won’t you come save me?
Give me the attention
that I crave so badly
devote yourself, heroine
devote yourself madly
oh
Heroine, heroine
won’t you come save me?
bring me the social status
that comes with your affection
I wish that I had us
in all different directions
oh
Heroine, heroine
won’t you come save me?
fill up the hole I’ve
been digging up my grave
and pull me right out of there
and ask me to behave

and ask me to be brave

and chastise me
halfheartedly
then turn around
with a flick of my wrist
and become
what I want
again

Heroine, heroine
won’t you come save me?
I’m scared and alone
and it feels obvious
my heroine, heroine
doesn’t exist

for who would put up with
such a miserable,
miserable man?

Who would ever find me
more than…

Heroine, heroine
I still believe in you
I’ll do my best
to become what you want me to
if you just invest
in my small emotions

I will do better
this time.

Rest In Peace, Satoru Iwata-San.

On July 11, Satoru Iwata, CEO of Nintendo, passed away.

The man wasn’t just some corporate leader. He was a game designer first. I remember playing Kirby’s Adventure on the NES, a game he worked on personally. I’ve since played many titled he’s overseen or had a hand in, and owned every system he’s helped release. The Wii brought so many of my friends and family into the world of video games who would have never touched it otherwise, and he was very much responsible for pushing the company in that direction.

Not only that, but Iwata-san (it’s a Japanese honorific. Look it up) spoke directly to his fans. Nintendo has been putting out news about their goings-on in the form of short videos called “Nintendo Directs” for quite some time now, and Iwata-san has always been at the center of them. He’s actually really funny, too!

Satoru Iwata was the leader of a company who didn’t just sit back and make decisions from the shadows, but instead spoke directly to his fans, and… I really respect that. I respect him.

Iwata-san, your legacy will go on forever. You will be greatly missed by millions of people around the world, myself included. Your contributions to the video game industry and my own personal life were immense, and the games that you helped create are a part of why I’m the person I am today.

Thank you, Satoru Iwata. Thank you so much, for everything.