1/5 Stars: Your Music Sucks, Says Some Shitty Reviewer!

by Noise Pollution

If you ever need reassurance that Rolling Stone s a godawful publication that needs to fucking die already and that music reviews in general are disgusting and misguided in concept, spend some time on Wikipedia reading about some of your favorite albums. As long as they aren’t fucking classic rock albums, of course. Rolling Stone gave all of those perfect scores. Ugh. Gross. Somebody help me wash the disgust off. Not that you’re not allowed to like classic rock or anything, but you have to be capable of liking more than just classic rock, man. Anyways.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/In_the_Aeroplane_over_the_Sea#Reception

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pinkerton_(album)#Initial

Ah, oh god, music reviews are the worst fucking thing. It’s okay to go in depth and talk about an album, and even to discuss why you did or didn’t like it, but to assign a score and speak in such definitive terms about something that is so goddamn abstract and subjective is fucking nonsense. Ugh. Burn it all the fuck down. Its like if I looked at a painting that someone else broke down in tears at and just shrugged my shoulders and moved on. That’s a fine thing for me to do. What is not fine is to then write an lengthy piece about why it’s bad. The painting clearly didn’t move me, but to say that it’s bad… based on what? Did I not like the brushwork or something? There’s literally nothing in a painting that one can look at objectively. The same goes for music. I’ve heard numerous people who hate the voices of artists like Andrew Jackson Jihad. I personally find the voices on those songs to be incredibly endearing, with the wobblyness and off-putting sound contributing greatly to the messages they attempt to get across. Am I right? No. Are they? No. Obviously.

I need to take a shower now. Ugh.

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