My Thoughts Are Pollution

Coming-of-age ramblings that don't mean much in the long run

Month: November, 2015

She had this dream
she saw the world come to an end
she saw the bombings
from the comfort of her bed
I said
“There’s nothing wrong with that
I’ve been afraid of death
for longer than I’ve been alive
and the time I’ve got left.”

She had this panicked
state of mind that did consume
sitting quiet on her bed
quiet in her room
because the blackout curtains
left it up to her
to decide the fate of all the world
and she was still unsure

and I felt
unsure
with her,
with her.

I had this dream
I watched the fires light the halls
I saw the red over my legs
and on the walls
She called
“Trauma is as trauma does
and you’ve been done
but it’s no longer what it was
and you don’t have to run.”

I had this panic
that I thought I could own
lower myself into bed
with Prozac and Trazodone
But all the world’s a medicine
that I have yet to see
I always shut my eyes,
and let the world be empty

and she was
empty
with me,
with me.

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Fix

It doesn’t matter where I go
if you are waiting for me
it doesn’t matter what I say
if you aren’t listening to me
You think I am just what I am inside your head
But I swear to god I’m more just the shallow things I said

I’m not a morning person, I like to sleep in
from time to time
I spend my afternoons wasting away
trying to feel fine
But I’m more than just a broken thing
waiting for you to fix
I have a thousand and one broken dreams
and you don’t give a shit
You just want me to succeed at what you
want me to become
but I’m not that cool, I’m not that guy
I guess I am not the one

I had thoughts
of trying all sort of drugs
I wanted morphine in my veins
I wanted smoke inside my lungs
And I’d cripple myself
I’d lay on the floor
There’s be nothing else
but me for you to die for
but I never quite found it
and I never got high enough
to satisfy myself
my urge to self-destruct
I couldn’t be what I wanted
what you wished that I was
but I know that I promised
I’d be more than enough

You think I am what I am inside of your head
But I swear to god, I’m more than just this broken sentiment.

Oh God, I Wrote a Song About Suicide and Christmas

I feel myself getting old
in my cold
cold, cold, cold room
without you

I feel your arms wrapped ’round my waist
I feel you start to slip away
My fingers numb to the pain
as I grip my guitar

It’s snowing here inside my room
I left the windows open
And everything is consumed
by a white expanse

And my veins are slow
to move my blood through my body
I look across the bathroom floor
and know what I am here for
There’s nothing that I want
so bad, anymore.

I see red
more vividly
than green
this Christmas Eve
and that’s alright
I see me
more vividly
than you
this holy night.

A holy night.

And Clyde

As I slide across the asphalt
I hear you whisper in my head
But all the words you say hold so false
you close you eyes or stare straight ahead.

As I count my many blessings
I hear you whisper ‘low your breath
“If only someone else would find me”
And I just get more depressed.

As my windshield gathers raindrops
I hear you whisper to yourself
“There are haves, and there are have-nots,
and I am half of someone else.”

Well I
am someone else’s half
and I swear it ain’t so bad.

We could sit here forever
you could tell me your life
but you only ask questions
and I only oblige
You still sleep with my best friend
you swear you never had sex
you’ve got a man of a boyfriend
another guy who you wear on your chest
Well, I could break up with Natalie
It’d be so easy to do
You know I never felt the way
about her that I did you

And it’s so obviously sick
and you’re so obviously right
and I’m so obviously worthless
and you’re so obviously my type
and it’s so obvious sometimes
you are obviously blind
but I was blind for longer
and now we’ve both obviously made up our minds.

As we slow to a stoplight
I hear you whisper to me
“Maybe you could be someone
if only I was someone but me.”

As I push ever onward
I know you whispered again
I try to listen to something else
as you metaphorically kill your friends.

As I open the door wide
I wish I hear more whispers now
but all I hear is your breathing
as you lay me on the ground

And my head is mess
and I know that this
will never happen again
and it never happened

and I know I’ll wake up from this dream
and realize everything
I know now what you used to mean
but I’m facing the opposite sea
And I know that it’s only a dream
and you never would have loved me
but for a dream it is such a dream
it is driving me

I don’t know who you sleep with now
I guess that I shouldn’t care
I could ask, yeah, I could find out
but I want you to remember I’m there
and you probably hate me
like most people I used to know
Or worse you’ve forgotten
and haven’t thought of me since I had to go.
I still wake up at night
shaking at things you implied
but your actions were so loud
that you stilled me deep inside

As I watch you step forward
You whisper into the night
“If only you didn’t love her
if only you ever tried.”

[To my friends from before: I’m aware of the awkwardness of the song. I’m aware that it’s super weird and one-sided and based entirely on a falsehood that has only formed since moving away. I’m not delusional about this, just nostalgic. I know. It’s still weird.]

Once in a Lifetime

Chances like this
come once in a lifetime
and it’s already passed me by
Keeping my grip
closed tight on a lifeline
in the end I will surely die

I don’t want to be the one to point it out
but my clothes got caught in the door
So you charge ahead and I’ll stay here
I don’t get to be that anymore

And it’s fair
If you say it’s fair
Life’s not fair
And I bitch and complain
‘Cause no one can hear me
so why would they even care?

Moments like this
They’re nothing but photo-
graphs in the future now
I will forget
that I faked this smile
but I will probably figure it out.

I don’t want to be the one to say this
but I left something back at home
So you charge ahead, and I’ll turn around
and learn to love being alone.

And it’s alright
if you say it’s alright
This isn’t right
And I spit on the ground
and start throwing punches
but there’s nobody left to fight.

Chances like this
come once in a lifetime
and it’s already passed me by.

It’s Not Getting Worse But

Guess it’s been real
how do you feel?
and don’t you lie to me
The world it owes
me for my woes
and for my tragedies

lest the stabbing pain
I numb myself to
becomes but a symptom
of the time I felt you
swimming through my stomach
full of acid
lest the scars I
cover up become just
scars I cover up
and not a currency of pain
that I would cash in

It feels so wrong
to have been wronged before
It’s been so long
since I’ve felt longed for
If only gaping wounds
were a sign of good things to come soon
But what reason would I have
then to write songs for?

I guess I don’t feel so good.
I wonder if I ever should.
I guess that I will go.

A Lack of a Title Can Go a Long Way

I went to my local drugstore and bought a box of razor blades and a bottle of Benadryl and no one even batted an eye. Weird.

In case it wasn’t extremely obvious, I’m not having a great day today. Sometimes, it’s comforting just to have the way out sitting next to you, even if you’re not going to use it. And I’m most certainly not going to use the Benadryl for anything more than a sleep-aid.

I may have already cracked open the razors, but I’m not going to die. I’m just trying to cope. And I’m coping and not killing myself and that’s good enough for right now.

Still, though. Were I the cashier there, I would have at least asked if I were doing okay.

I could be like Adele and make the title of this song my age because literally everyone who has ever written music ever has had that idea and it’s not original and all and bleh I guess I just don’t like Adele but instead I’m not going to title this song at all.

Right here
and right now
we’ve got these things to talk about
I’ve got a plan
but the pieces
just don’t fit
I’ve got fears
I’ve got doubts
So I will try to talk around
I’m just saying, man
there’s no reason
for any of this.

And the candle
that I lit
though I’m so afraid of it
It’s burning low
and soon it all
will go dark
And I can’t think
so I can’t feel
I know that all of this is real
Won’t you come?
Or am I going in
alone?

They say it doesn’t have to hurt
just close your eyes
and everything will work
out now
out loud
But I’ve never been one
for theatrics
don’t ever think I
will believe you
I’ll leave you
sooner than I’d
be deceived by you

The world is spinning
so damn fast
and the runners running
all came in last
But I didn’t run at all
I stayed and waited for a call
to come through and tell me I’m alright
so I could scream at them; I know I’m not alright.
And I feel so left behind.

They say it doesn’t have to make you sick
just keep your eyes open for the drive
and you will get over it
I don’t
but you won’t
Oh, I’ve never been one
for these kinds of engagements
don’t ever think I
will go along
you are wrong
and I soon I’ll prove
it to you with a song.

Camera Phone

Put that camera away
I don’t like to be followed
I don’t like to be in frame
These still moments lose so much
my half smile looks so sad
and I look fragile to the touch

suppose it’s true
I’d like to forget.
But the goddamn photographs
prove that I exist

Stop hanging around
and holding my hand
and pulling me towards ground
Let me float away
I am a helium balloon
It’s not natural to stay

and suppose I like it
I’d like to forget
but holding me now
means that these moments will exist

inside of myself forever…

A State of Love and Panic

My spine, it slowly starts to slink
away from everything I think
and it grids itself to dust
I guess it’s doing what it must

I feel it bend beneath the weight
of every stupid thing I say
but I love you so damn much
so I say it anyway

As scoliosis settles in
I suck it up and suck it in
all the air from where you were
the places you have been

Until I collapse from no support
I will prevail as I contort
myself to all these different shapes
to keep myself standing in your wake

And in the wheelchair they provide
I will be forever by your side
I hope to someday catch your eye
as you walk slowly behind

It’s such a sad state of affairs
how did it ever come to this?
I just wanted to be loved
and now I’m just gonna be missed

When they bury me tonight,
will you laugh, will you cry
or will you pause and roll your eyes
and keep on living your life?

I hope you do.