My Thoughts Are Pollution

Coming-of-age ramblings that don't mean much in the long run

Month: February, 2016

Obsolescence

Take one look at everything
Make me feel enough to think
About anyone else
Oh, it’s only myself
In my head, in my dreams.
That time you shook and said to me
“hold your breath, I’ll make you bleed.”
And so I bled
I love you now as much as I did back then
And I don’t have a clue
What I want to do
With my life without you
It’s not happening
With everything gone
Or never there all along
It all feels so wrong
It’s not happening
I swear.
You are better than me,
But it’s not hard to be!
Won’t you come close and see
Where I’m coming from
A river of doubt
That will never run out
And I wait for a drought
That will never come
I don’t have the skill
And I probably never will
And though everything still
You say it all will work out
But I don’t have a clue
What I want to do
’cause even with you
It’s not happening
I swear.

Sorry About That

Sorry about the relative silence lately; I know this is a lame excuse, but I’ve actually been busy.

Not like, super busy, if I’m being honest.

I mean, I’ve only been working two days a week for the last month or so. So any inactivity prior to this last week was just me being fucking lazy.

But I’ve had company over! My two best friends from where I used to live came and visited, and it’s been rad. All that chemistry we had before; it’s still there. There are a few more silences than before, and they’re absolutely not comfortable silences by any stretch of the imagination, but they’re generally been caused by being awake at ungodly hours or being just the wrong amount of drunk.

Look, there’s kind of a “golden land” when it comes to drunkenness. It comes when you’re a bit drunker than buzzed; it’s right past the cusp of the level where if someone asked you, you’d say you were drunk. Being any less than that is either irritating or boring, being any more than that is a fucking commitment, and there’s a couple of other spots along the way that you don’t exactly want to hang around, either.

For me, this came shortly after hitting that “golden land”, eventually the buzz started to go away and I wound up in a rough spot where I felt too drunk to think but not drunk enough to act without thinking. It’s kind of a shit place to be.

Aside from those few moments though, this visit was not only fun, but productive. My dream of being… of being some guy on the internet who doesn’t work a real job is actually shared by these guys. Also, a while back, when I was still living out there, we invested some time and energy into a longboard-making company that never went anywhere. I mean, for one thing, I fucking left the state, though I was never really a central figure in all that anyway. I was just along for the ride. All I really did was come up with the concept for the logo, which was later expanded upon by my buddy’s wife, who is far more talented than myself. I was kind of an ideas man, which isn’t incredibly helpful. But when I left, things didn’t progress much further. But, ah, anyway, we have all these ideas for this brand, and we decided that we were going to invest all that wasted energy into a new project: We’re going to make a goddamn internet content studio.

This post isn’t an announcement, don’t take it as one. I just kind of wanted to chat about it a bit. Even if this does happen and becomes a super legitimate thing, I don’t think I’m going to attach this blog to it. I don’t think things are going to change for My Thoughts Are Pollution. I mean, who knows, but this has always been kind of a sacred place for me.

It’s all very formative and could very well fizzle at any time, but we’ve got some good ideas, a good brand, and some good fucking chemistry. I wouldn’t be surprised if we managed to make something real out of all this. I’m being serious here; I might actually get to do one of the things I dream of.

I don’t know whether or not I should share the name, or any of the ideas at this point. I kind of don’t want to yet; for one thing, this is still little more than a google doc filled with brainstorming. For another thing, I don’t want any of these ideas stolen, you know? Not that I don’t trust my readership or anything, but if this shit does happen to fizzle out, I’d like to still be able to come back to these ideas and reuse them. If I talk about doing something cool and then end up not doing it; someone might take that as an O.K. to do it themselves. And it probably would be okay. I wouldn’t get mad. But I’m going to avoid that whole scenario by only talking in vagaries.

I just wanted to mention that there’s some amount of hope on the horizon. Finally. These guys have always done that for me. They’ve made me not fear the future. I missed them a whole fucking lot.

Late

It’s so easy to say
That I don’t care
But there’s something nagging in my head
Something stagnant in the air
And now there’s nothing you can say
To take me there
This won’t ever go away
My skin has been stripped bare
It doesn’t matter anymore
I’ve got no reason to believe
In me

Don’t tell me there’s so many
things that I could do
When I can only die alone
and it’s all because of you
There’s an anxiety
Inside of me
And I can hear you
Lie to me
Every time I close my eyes.
Don’t tell me that the oceans
And the sky will stay blue
When I am left to die alone
Or live life without you
The skies are grey
But anyway
Nothing here
Is here to stay
It’s gone when I open my eyes.

There’s a wave
Headed towards land
And you will never
Ever, ever understand
Until it crashes
Into the sand
The metaphor
Will it make sense to you then?

After the wave breaks
After these mistakes were made
After the ocean floor
Takes me away
Will it make sense to you then?
Will it make sense to you then?
Will you only understand
After it all ends?
Well it won’t matter
Then.

Calm Me Down

We’re not the same
In spite of everything you say
There is this monster inside
And it won’t go the fuck away
And it takes
And it takes and takes and take
It takes all my words away
Until there’s nothing left to say

And my eyes
They tell lies
They tell everyone I’m fine
But I’m in the bathroom
Shaking miserably
And holding myself tight
I’ve locked the door
Lay on the floor
I can’t take it anymore
Every word that I spit out
Fills my mind with more self-doubt
I’m sick of everything
And everyone
I’ve never had fun.

It hurts when you’re around
Or when anyone’s around
I’m so scared there ain’t nobody
Who will ever calm me down
I’m so fucking scared of me
So goddamn self-aware of me
And all of these nightmares of me
Are who I am

And my eyes
They tell lies
They tell everyone I’m fine
But I’m in my bedroom
Shaking miserably
And holding myself tight
I’ve locked the door
Lay on the floor
I can’t take it anymore
Every word that I spit out
Fills me with more self doubt
But I hang around
I hope you can calm me down.

Room to Grow

Everything I say or do
Influenced by the thought of you
It makes me sick, it makes me wish
That I was someone else.
And even if the words were true
The sky just hasn’t been as blue
You think that I am strong enough
But I am just myself.

Well, once-loved, I must confess
There’s nothing that I could possess
To fill the hole where you belong
There is nobody else
But through my dread, through my duress
These things all start to coalesce
I realize I don’t need this to be
Human, or myself

It’s a fucking nightmare, I know
But all the tiny voices, they have nowhere else to go
I’ve been changing constantly so
There’s no more fucking room to grow.

Fumbling My Way Through Life Episode 7

Oh god.

Oh god oh god.

I forget from time to time just how fucking bad my social anxiety is due to me keeping my interactions with people to a minimum. Work doesn’t count. When I’m doing customer service, some switch in my brain allows me to keep myself sane; I don’t know how it works, nor can I operate it manually.

I ran into someone I haven’t spoken to in… like two years or so. I was leaving work and I saw her and started talking to her.

That’s not entirely true.

What actually happened is that I was working the registers at one of the areas of my job and saw her shopping. Then I proceeded to have a fucking panic attack and basically hid from her for the rest of my shift. And it’s not that I, y’know, didn’t want to talk to her. She’s very cool and relaxed and not intimidating in spite of the fact that I find her attractive. I just started panicking at the very idea of socializing.

That, and the fact that the way we lost touch was kind of entirely my fault; I failed to contact her for a number of weeks until it felt too awkward to ever speak to her again and then deleted her number from my phone.

Social anxiety!

But I couldn’t let myself leave the store without saying hi. It seemed wrong somehow. So on my way out, I started up a conversation and… it was fucking awkward. I’ve never been not awkward in my interactions with her, but this conversation was on an entirely different level from that shit.

And then I basically ran away. I ended the conversation abruptly with “I’ve gotta take off now!” Then I hid in a bathroom for ten minutes on the verge of tears. They weren’t sadness tears. I just couldn’t deal. I was freaking the fuck out and it was such a small situation. After I felt calm enough to drive without accidentally killing someone, I drove home, dodged my family and went straight to my room. And that leads up to right now.

Sometimes I think I’m “better” as far as my mental health stuff goes. Sometimes I think I’ve been cured and that the monster is gone. The reality is that I hide from the monster and tell myself it’s not there. Then it finds me when I least expect it and it eats me alive.

I hate myself, and that conversation went so terribly that I may have scared her off from ever shopping at my work again. I’d want to avoid me if I were her. But god. I feel really worthless. And I feel crazy.

[Please listen to the song.]