I Was Going To Write A List Of Things That Annoy Me But It Turned Into A Rant About Adele (It’s seriously ranty, maybe skip this one if you’re a fan)
by Noise Pollution
I’m at a loss for things to write, so I thought I’d just do a quick list. And there’s no easier thing to write a list about than things that irritate me, so here goes.
5. Album and movie covers that are just blown-up pictures of someone’s fucking face
This is such a ridiculously common thing, and it’s maybe the most narcissistic-seeming thing on the planet. Like, an album is about goddamn music, man. Not making Adele’s face take up as much space as possible. She’s maybe the absolute worst culprit here, all three of her album covers are just pictures of her fucking face. I think it’s a stereotype that musicians tend to be kinda self-obsessed but… This kind of shit sort of proves it. Like, really? All three of your albums? Just your fucking face? As though there’s any artistic value in making yourself as famous as you can?
And you know what’s on the back of the album cover of 25? Adele’s fucking face.
Hang on. Let’s just stop with this bullshit list premise here. I think I just want to bitch about Adele. ‘Cause fuuuuuuuuuuck. I have a pretty strong predisposition to disliking pop music, which doesn’t help her case for me. That said, I thought her Bond theme for Skyfall was pretty good! She’s obviously talented! Probably!
But here’s the thing where it rubs me the wrong way. The idea that she is loved by all has become a ubiquitous one. There is no criticism; there are only countless ads (which all just have pictures zoomed in on her goddamn face, by the way) and countless people who are happy to see them. It’s fucking irritating that I’m not allowed to dislike her music, that I have to admit that it’s good or that she’s talented or that she has a great voice. It’s fucking bullshit! I don’t think any of those things are true! Her music bugs me, her attitude bugs me, her fucking face being plastered all over every goddamn thing in the universe fucking bugs me, and I don’t actually like her voice! It does absolutely fucking nothing for me! Nothing! But in conversation, when she’s brought up and I mention that I don’t like her, the response is always, “but you have to admit that she’s got a good voice,” or, “you’ve gotta admit that she’s a good songwriter.” No, I really fucking don’t! You wouldn’t do that for me!
My favorite band is an indie band called The Front Bottoms. And the first goddamn thing I hear from people who don’t listen to that kind of thing when I show it to them is some goddamn criticism of the lead singer’s voice.
I like the way it sounds. It resonates with me. It feels real, it doesn’t feel rehearsed and I just fucking like it and I think it’s good. If my response to anyone who didn’t like the same thing I liked was, “but you have to admit that it’s good even though you don’t actually think that,” I’d just get into a lot of fights and people would shit all over the thing I like with far more vigor than before I said that.
But god forbid I criticize Adele. She’s become untouchable, and it’s the worst. There is no negative press. There are no critics. She is loved by all, so writing a story about how awesome she is is totally safe. The safest, even.
While I’m bitching and spewing out a bunch of vitriolic nonsense here, I’m maybe diluting my actual point, which is that everyone has different tastes, and stuff like this that becomes universal can be extremely grating to the people that don’t like it. This feeling of not being allowed to complain about hearing Hello for the 658936509th time because it’s a “good” song is kind of a soul-crushing one. You feel trapped by your own opinion. You’re stuck with all of these negative feelings with no outlet, because everyone around you just treats you like an asshole if you express them in the slightest way. It sucks! And you’re allowed to like Adele! You’re even allowed to think that she’s good, or that I’m wrong, even! But god, please don’t pretend that those thoughts are somehow objective, or universal. Don’t make me listen to her goddamn album in my car because it’s something everyone will enjoy. Don’t make me stare at her fucking face all day, or inundate me with interviews she’s given about how rough she’s had it, ’cause we’ve all had it fucking rough.
Let me hate her music. Please. And don’t invalidate me just because you disagree.
[This is a borderline-irrational rant centered around a borderline-irrational hatred of mine, so take it all with a grain of salt. It’s a topic that causes me to spew venom out of my mouth and I can’t hear or read any of it objectively. It all seems perfectly reasonable to me! I know that logically, it isn’t, but that doesn’t really help me figure out how to word this or structure this in way that doesn’t make me come off as a bit of a lunatic. Publishing this may be a mistake.]