I’m Feeling Sorry For Myself Right Now

by Noise Pollution

Maybe there should be a points system in regards to good deeds and bad deeds. Nobody ever feels appreciated. No one ever feels like anyone cares about the effort they put into maintaining a relationship. Maybe it would be better if there was a definitive, objective way to track kindnesses.

Then people wouldn’t be able to accuse you of not loving them enough whenever you let them down. Because all of the little things you did along the way, those would still count. They wouldn’t be worthless the second someone was upset with you. No one would be able to keep a list of all the bad things you’ve done and dump the whole list on you when anything went bad, because all the good things would be on the list too.

I don’t do a whole lot of good things. But I do some. I do more than I feel like I can manage. I do, in fact, do. My world is not built out of perceived slights against me, even though I do have a tendency to play the victim. My world is admittedly not built out of perceived kindness, either. Right now my world is built out of a pile of bad habits, with a massive tower in the center. The tower is slick and devoid of handholds. And everyone wonders why I don’t just buck up and climb it.

I am more than the sum of my faults. I have a lot of faults. But I am more than them. I do good things. I do my best.

There are just a lot of little things that get forgotten. I guess it doesn’t really matter. You’re not supposed to do good things for the sake of personal gain. But it does hurt when you realize they’ve all been paved over by a single mistake. Or even a series of mistakes. It’s painful either way.

Life is hard.