My Thoughts Are Pollution

Coming-of-age ramblings that don't mean much in the long run

Month: August, 2016

Recorded Memories (Original Song)


It fades into the background
I hear they’re comin’ around
Gonna play here tonight
And maybe when I go
they’ll play every song I know
under the glow of a thousand lights

Everybody hold them high

So you can take it with you
Prove to all your friends
that you were here

But were you here?
Or were you somewhere else entirely?
Wrapped in a delusion
only staring at a screen
I dreamed
of mattering to you
to make me matter more to me
but I wonder if you notice
that you haven’t even seen
And you will bury me
in a sea
of recorded memories
to be a thing
that doesn’t mean
whatever you believe it means

Instead of letting go
you have held on to a collection
of nothing but projections
There will be no resurrection
of the moments that have slipped away
so you could have them on display
in unconscious vapidity
It all has no solidity

So what if it will never disappear?
I wish you were really here

[Sometimes I go to a concert and see everyone watching the show on their phone screens, instead of watching the incredible thing happening right in front of them. I don’t think anyone actually goes back and watches those videos. And if they do, the memory of the show is… of them holding up their stupid phone the entire time. I’m maybe one of the worst people to follow in terms of “living in the moment,” but moments like that… I’d rather have a really vivid memory of a live show than have a permanent recording of it. Having a good time is more important than proving to yourself and others that you were there.]


How to Lose a Viewer (On Trauma and Loneliness)

Do you want to know the fastest way to get me to stop engaging with your content?

Making insensitive jokes at the expense of burn victims.

It’s not something that comes up very frequently, so when it does, I find it incredibly jarring. Maybe if making those kinds of jokes was a cultural norm, or something that was done on a regular basis by a large number of people, I’d be able to make exceptions here. Not out of respect for it, but out of resignation at the state of the world.

But it’s not something that happens often. There are so many content creators out there who haven’t made that kind of joke. So when you do; when you look at some horrible ugly image and say, “That there is so horrible. It looks like a burn victim.” I can just fucking leave! I don’t have to engage, I don’t have to leave an angry comment, I don’t have to spend another goddamn second of my life connected to you or the media you produce.

I don’t have to waste my time on people who don’t think about the people who suffer when they hear those remarks, because there are millions of other people who I can spend time on.

The thing is… I’m not even sure if it’s a rare occurrence because people are being sensitive and empathetic and socially aware; I worry that maybe the only reason it happens infrequently is because it’s not an easy target in every situation. Like, the jokes can only be made when exposed to something… something ugly. So… god, I just bummed myself out. I don’t like having to think about that being the point of comparison. I don’t like thinking that the only time anyone ever talks about what happened to me in a casual way is when it’s comparing me to something ugly and disgusting.

But, I mean… the point I was trying to make before totally bumming myself out is that I fear that maybe people would make the jokes more often if the opportunities arose more often. And that’s a real…. That’s really fucking sad.

I hope people can maybe consider other people before speaking like that. I’m not being overly-sensitive. I’m being normally-sensitive. People who do not have a point of reference in regards to this can not tell me that the way I’m feeling is wrong. The way I am feeling is right. I feel sad. I feel hopeless…

I feel incredibly fucking lonely when those jokes are made. It’s really easy to. I don’t have anyone who understands. There is literally no one in my life who could even come close to understanding that feeling. That… that deflation. I was so excited about this content; I was so happy to find another series of videos I enjoyed watching and then… All the wind out of my sails. Just… “Oh… I guess I don’t really belong here after all.”

As cool as I feel ghosting on their stuff; as right as it is to drop them entirely, I feel like the kid being told he can’t play football with the other kids at recess. I feel there again. Like it’s another thing I’m not allowed to enjoy because of my scars.

I feel lonely.

I feel like the only person in the universe who feels the way I feel.

And I’m sad.