My Thoughts Are Pollution

Coming-of-age ramblings that don't mean much in the long run

A Few Words, Because They’re Important, As Is My Right To Say Them

I’m freaked out right now.

Yeah, it’s because of the election. But I’m less freaked out by the results than I am by the people who made those results happen.

And no, I’m not upset that they voted. Everyone should vote. And they had every right to vote the way they did. It’s the fallout from this all that is astounding to me.

We have elected a man who believes that freedom of the press is wrong. And when I speak to call him out on any of the horrific things he has stated publicly, I am met with a barrage of people claiming that he has the freedom to say whatever he wants.

They are absolutely right. But freedom of speech is not freedom “from” speech. Every action you make has consequences, positive and negative. Every word you say affects someone, somewhere in some way. And guess what? It is just as legal for me to be offended by the xenophobic remarks that man has said as it is for him to say them.

Freedom of speech means freedom of speech for everyone. Not just the people you agree with. Freedom of speech means that when someone says something I find offensive, I am allowed to call it out as offensive. I am not trampling on another person’s free speech by commenting on the things they said.

I have heard people cheer as a man on television said he plans to sue every media outlet who has ever said a negative word about him.

You know what? You people… you people who claim “freedom of speech” whenever someone calls you out for saying something offensive? You don’t believe in free speech. You don’t believe in the very thing our country was based on. You are not Patriots. I value our first amendment far more than you ever could. Free speech does not end at the people who look like you, who sound like you, and who think like you. Free speech does not end at anyone.

I am a Patriot. I am an American, and I believe in freedom of speech. Look at yourself. Look at how you’ve been reacting to the events of this week. Do you aim to silence those who disagree with you?

Do you really believe in our First Amendment?


Other Songs Say The Words Better Than I Can Right Now

Don’t Want to be an American Idiot

“Well maybe I’m the faggot America
I’m not a part of a redneck agenda
Now everybody do the propaganda
And sing along to the age of paranoia”

-American Idiot, Green Day


Fleeting (Song)


A winter gloom
These clouds hang low in the sky
She feels it crawl up her spine
The greys and blues
Serve only to clarify
As it gently traces a line

Her eyes go wide
Her eyes go black
Her hands are still
Her touch exact
She fogs the mirror
Under her breath
And finally here
She feels the press-
-ure of the last three weeks hold back

But she knows it won’t last.

A brief exhale
The blanket fell off the bed
She holds her shivering bones
Her fingers pale
The blood rushes to her head
Her room, a kingdom; her bed, a throne.

Her eyes go wide
Her eyes go black
Her hands are still
Her touch exact
She fogs the mirror
Under her breath
And finally here
She feels the press-
-ure of the last three weeks hold back

But she knows it won’t last.

Recorded Memories (Original Song)


It fades into the background
I hear they’re comin’ around
Gonna play here tonight
And maybe when I go
they’ll play every song I know
under the glow of a thousand lights

Everybody hold them high

So you can take it with you
Prove to all your friends
that you were here

But were you here?
Or were you somewhere else entirely?
Wrapped in a delusion
only staring at a screen
I dreamed
of mattering to you
to make me matter more to me
but I wonder if you notice
that you haven’t even seen
And you will bury me
in a sea
of recorded memories
to be a thing
that doesn’t mean
whatever you believe it means

Instead of letting go
you have held on to a collection
of nothing but projections
There will be no resurrection
of the moments that have slipped away
so you could have them on display
in unconscious vapidity
It all has no solidity

So what if it will never disappear?
I wish you were really here

[Sometimes I go to a concert and see everyone watching the show on their phone screens, instead of watching the incredible thing happening right in front of them. I don’t think anyone actually goes back and watches those videos. And if they do, the memory of the show is… of them holding up their stupid phone the entire time. I’m maybe one of the worst people to follow in terms of “living in the moment,” but moments like that… I’d rather have a really vivid memory of a live show than have a permanent recording of it. Having a good time is more important than proving to yourself and others that you were there.]

How to Lose a Viewer (On Trauma and Loneliness)

Do you want to know the fastest way to get me to stop engaging with your content?

Making insensitive jokes at the expense of burn victims.

It’s not something that comes up very frequently, so when it does, I find it incredibly jarring. Maybe if making those kinds of jokes was a cultural norm, or something that was done on a regular basis by a large number of people, I’d be able to make exceptions here. Not out of respect for it, but out of resignation at the state of the world.

But it’s not something that happens often. There are so many content creators out there who haven’t made that kind of joke. So when you do; when you look at some horrible ugly image and say, “That there is so horrible. It looks like a burn victim.” I can just fucking leave! I don’t have to engage, I don’t have to leave an angry comment, I don’t have to spend another goddamn second of my life connected to you or the media you produce.

I don’t have to waste my time on people who don’t think about the people who suffer when they hear those remarks, because there are millions of other people who I can spend time on.

The thing is… I’m not even sure if it’s a rare occurrence because people are being sensitive and empathetic and socially aware; I worry that maybe the only reason it happens infrequently is because it’s not an easy target in every situation. Like, the jokes can only be made when exposed to something… something ugly. So… god, I just bummed myself out. I don’t like having to think about that being the point of comparison. I don’t like thinking that the only time anyone ever talks about what happened to me in a casual way is when it’s comparing me to something ugly and disgusting.

But, I mean… the point I was trying to make before totally bumming myself out is that I fear that maybe people would make the jokes more often if the opportunities arose more often. And that’s a real…. That’s really fucking sad.

I hope people can maybe consider other people before speaking like that. I’m not being overly-sensitive. I’m being normally-sensitive. People who do not have a point of reference in regards to this can not tell me that the way I’m feeling is wrong. The way I am feeling is right. I feel sad. I feel hopeless…

I feel incredibly fucking lonely when those jokes are made. It’s really easy to. I don’t have anyone who understands. There is literally no one in my life who could even come close to understanding that feeling. That… that deflation. I was so excited about this content; I was so happy to find another series of videos I enjoyed watching and then… All the wind out of my sails. Just… “Oh… I guess I don’t really belong here after all.”

As cool as I feel ghosting on their stuff; as right as it is to drop them entirely, I feel like the kid being told he can’t play football with the other kids at recess. I feel there again. Like it’s another thing I’m not allowed to enjoy because of my scars.

I feel lonely.

I feel like the only person in the universe who feels the way I feel.

And I’m sad.


I turn 23 today.

“And that’s about the time she walked away from me
Nobody likes you when you’re twenty three
And I’m still more amused by TV shows
What the hell is A.D.D.?
My friends say I should act my age
What’s my age again?
What’s my age again?”

Pokemon Is In The Air