My Thoughts Are Pollution

Coming-of-age ramblings that don't mean much in the long run


Fleeting (Song)


A winter gloom
These clouds hang low in the sky
She feels it crawl up her spine
The greys and blues
Serve only to clarify
As it gently traces a line

Her eyes go wide
Her eyes go black
Her hands are still
Her touch exact
She fogs the mirror
Under her breath
And finally here
She feels the press-
-ure of the last three weeks hold back

But she knows it won’t last.

A brief exhale
The blanket fell off the bed
She holds her shivering bones
Her fingers pale
The blood rushes to her head
Her room, a kingdom; her bed, a throne.

Her eyes go wide
Her eyes go black
Her hands are still
Her touch exact
She fogs the mirror
Under her breath
And finally here
She feels the press-
-ure of the last three weeks hold back

But she knows it won’t last.

Recorded Memories (Original Song)


It fades into the background
I hear they’re comin’ around
Gonna play here tonight
And maybe when I go
they’ll play every song I know
under the glow of a thousand lights

Everybody hold them high

So you can take it with you
Prove to all your friends
that you were here

But were you here?
Or were you somewhere else entirely?
Wrapped in a delusion
only staring at a screen
I dreamed
of mattering to you
to make me matter more to me
but I wonder if you notice
that you haven’t even seen
And you will bury me
in a sea
of recorded memories
to be a thing
that doesn’t mean
whatever you believe it means

Instead of letting go
you have held on to a collection
of nothing but projections
There will be no resurrection
of the moments that have slipped away
so you could have them on display
in unconscious vapidity
It all has no solidity

So what if it will never disappear?
I wish you were really here

[Sometimes I go to a concert and see everyone watching the show on their phone screens, instead of watching the incredible thing happening right in front of them. I don’t think anyone actually goes back and watches those videos. And if they do, the memory of the show is… of them holding up their stupid phone the entire time. I’m maybe one of the worst people to follow in terms of “living in the moment,” but moments like that… I’d rather have a really vivid memory of a live show than have a permanent recording of it. Having a good time is more important than proving to yourself and others that you were there.]

How to Lose a Viewer (On Trauma and Loneliness)

Do you want to know the fastest way to get me to stop engaging with your content?

Making insensitive jokes at the expense of burn victims.

It’s not something that comes up very frequently, so when it does, I find it incredibly jarring. Maybe if making those kinds of jokes was a cultural norm, or something that was done on a regular basis by a large number of people, I’d be able to make exceptions here. Not out of respect for it, but out of resignation at the state of the world.

But it’s not something that happens often. There are so many content creators out there who haven’t made that kind of joke. So when you do; when you look at some horrible ugly image and say, “That there is so horrible. It looks like a burn victim.” I can just fucking leave! I don’t have to engage, I don’t have to leave an angry comment, I don’t have to spend another goddamn second of my life connected to you or the media you produce.

I don’t have to waste my time on people who don’t think about the people who suffer when they hear those remarks, because there are millions of other people who I can spend time on.

The thing is… I’m not even sure if it’s a rare occurrence because people are being sensitive and empathetic and socially aware; I worry that maybe the only reason it happens infrequently is because it’s not an easy target in every situation. Like, the jokes can only be made when exposed to something… something ugly. So… god, I just bummed myself out. I don’t like having to think about that being the point of comparison. I don’t like thinking that the only time anyone ever talks about what happened to me in a casual way is when it’s comparing me to something ugly and disgusting.

But, I mean… the point I was trying to make before totally bumming myself out is that I fear that maybe people would make the jokes more often if the opportunities arose more often. And that’s a real…. That’s really fucking sad.

I hope people can maybe consider other people before speaking like that. I’m not being overly-sensitive. I’m being normally-sensitive. People who do not have a point of reference in regards to this can not tell me that the way I’m feeling is wrong. The way I am feeling is right. I feel sad. I feel hopeless…

I feel incredibly fucking lonely when those jokes are made. It’s really easy to. I don’t have anyone who understands. There is literally no one in my life who could even come close to understanding that feeling. That… that deflation. I was so excited about this content; I was so happy to find another series of videos I enjoyed watching and then… All the wind out of my sails. Just… “Oh… I guess I don’t really belong here after all.”

As cool as I feel ghosting on their stuff; as right as it is to drop them entirely, I feel like the kid being told he can’t play football with the other kids at recess. I feel there again. Like it’s another thing I’m not allowed to enjoy because of my scars.

I feel lonely.

I feel like the only person in the universe who feels the way I feel.

And I’m sad.


I turn 23 today.

“And that’s about the time she walked away from me
Nobody likes you when you’re twenty three
And I’m still more amused by TV shows
What the hell is A.D.D.?
My friends say I should act my age
What’s my age again?
What’s my age again?”

Pokemon Is In The Air

One, Two

Back when we were seventeen
and knew where we were headed
Before the seven thousand things
we’ve done that we’ve regretted
I asked you “What’s it matter? I
have only been pathetic…
Someday you will say goodbye
and I will have to let it

And I let it

Back when I was younger still
before you and I met
Another girl, and other thrills
that I tried to forget
I wrote so many songs for her
I wrote us a duet
Where I would sing the bitter words
and she would sing the rest

And there was nothing

Well, since I’m stuck on memories
there’s one I can see clearly
In spite of all the remedies
I hold my nightmares dearly
I pour it onto hard cement
and soon it was severely
The reason why I still resent
myself so much, sincerely

And I nearly
This is serious, I still
know I never

And now that I’ve gone crazier
and spent some time alone
I’ve gotten so much lazier
since I have come back home
But the wounds, they’ve been reopening
all the stitches that I’ve sewn
And I cannot stop focusing
on things I should’ve known

And stars
that never

I’ve been feeling half-asleep
for something like eight years
The ups and downs don’t seem as steep
when you don’t have to steer
But now my eyes adjust to light
and everything I fear
is that it all will be alright
as long as I stay here

‘Cause I can’t
stay here

Haunted by the ghost of you
and those I used to long for
Praying I would never lose
somebody to be strong for
I’ve learned I’ve got to learn to live
A life where I write songs for
the only one I won’t forgive
That I am not along for

the ride
I can do more

than live
then die

The New 182

I haven’t had enough time to really sit and listen to it, but from what I’ve heard so far, the new Blink-182 album, California, is surprisingly good.

Why do I say surprising?

I mean, I love Blink-182. Normally that would create these unnaturally high expectations for the album, thus setting myself up for disappointment. But, uh, they kinda did that to me with the last album. I think Neighborhoods is kinda bad. Don’t get me wrong, there are songs I like on Neighborhoods (maybe just one, actually) and there are certain things about it that I enjoy, but I think all-in-all, it’s an incredibly incoherent album. It was made with the members of the band recording parts separately from each other, sending song ideas and half-finished lyrics to other members of the band over the internet. And while some people can collaborate in this way and end up with an amazing result, that didn’t happen here. Tom DeLonge just doesn’t work well with these guys anymore, and unfortunately, it showed on Neighborhoods.

Well, prior to writing this album, Tom quit. Or was fired. I don’t know exactly what happened. The last time Blink-182 went on hiatus, he quit in an extremely shitty way, pretty much disappearing on Mark and Travis. I’m a bit more inclined to believe Mark and Travis’s version of the story than Toms at this point. But it’s honestly not all that relevant; the point is that Tom was out. Gone. Done. But unlike the last time Tom exited the band, this time the remaining members kept it going, recruiting Alkaline Trio’s Matt Skiba for guitar and half of the vocals.

It works! He’s a great fit for the band. While he’s not going to have the same effect on Blink’s music that Tom did, (likely skipping the spacescape sound effects Tom is so fond of) he brings something else to the band that they hadn’t had in a while, at least not when they’re not on a stage.

He brings fun back to Blink.

Now, to be honest, fun is not actually my favorite aspect of Blink-182. My favorite Blink-182 songs are the songs where they shut out all of the playfulness in favor of taking things seriously, if only briefly. My favorite album of theirs is the untitled one, (which is severely underrated by most people; it’s actually got a very unique sound,) that being an album that takes itself entirely seriously. My favorite songs off of their albums prior to that are Going Away to CollegeAdam’s SongRoller CoasterShut upStay Together for the Kids, What Went Wrong, Please Take Me Home and Wendy Clear. There are a number of other songs I could add to the list, as far as favorites go, but that list covers just about every non-jokey song they ever wrote prior to the untitled release. The “fun” is clearly not the main draw for me.

All that said, it’s still a totally likeable aspect of the band. Maybe it’s not for everyone, possibly including myself, but it’s easy to see why people would fall in love with that flippant and entirely unpretentious side of them. And after spending such a long time with them making kind-of-underwhelming songs in that “serious” mindset, it’s actually nice to see them taking a different approach that is still totally Blink-182, through and through. And it’s working. The joke songs they’ve released are stupid, catchy, and funny by virtue of being kind of not funny. If that makes any sense. The other songs do seem free of dick-jokes and self-deprecating humor, and there are a lot of them, meaning that I get the Blink-182 album I want, too.

From what I’ve heard of it so far, it’s not, like, blowing me away or anything. But it is good. It is totally listenable, something that I don’t think I can say about at least half of Neighborhoods. It is, at the very, very least a completely serviceable pop-punk album with Travis Barker playing incredible drums over Mark Hoppus’s Cure-inspired lyrics and melodies; Matt Skiba being a surprisingly suitable replacement for Tom. I think that’s all I could have asked for at this point. I would love to hear an album that does for me what Blink’s untitled album does, but I don’t think continuing to have that expectation of anyone, let alone any stapled-back-together incarnation of Blink, is reasonable. I’m happy with this album so far. It doesn’t have to change my life, I’m just glad it reminds me of the fact that they already did.