[Italics are there to represent another person singing. This song does not work unless it is a duet of sorts.]
I’m counting all the promises
That I have ever made
’cause if I haven’t broken them
I know I will someday.
All I’ve got to do is swim
But all I do is sink
So instead of trying, diving in
I stay up here and think
Darling, don’t you see?
You are better off
With anyone but me.
It’s really not that bad
(I will hold you back) It’s really not that bad
(with all the things I lack) I will hear you say
(It’s never going to be okay) after all You’re only human and after all I am too after all What are you doin’? ’cause after all I love you.
My love, I’m trying everything
But I just can’t seem to change
And even though you say to me
That I can stay the same
I’m scared to death of being me
Of always being sad
But all those things I used to be
Are almost just as bad
Darling, you should go
I’m farther gone than
You could ever know.
It’s really not that bad
(I will hold you back) It’s really not that bad
(with all the things I lack) I swear I will stay It doesn’t have to be okay ’cause after all You’re only human ’cause after all I am too ’cause after all What are you doin’? ’cause after all I still love you.
I know I haven’t tried that hard
But you’re so close
And I’ve got to go so far
Please, go anywhere
And maybe someday
Soon I’ll meet you there
’cause after all
There’s not a reason
After all
That you have to keep me breathin’
And after all
Hearts change with the seasons
And after all
I cannot keep believin’
In you.
It is that bad
(won’t you please come back?) It is that bad
(I will become the things I lack) I tried so hard to say It doesn’t have to be okay ’cause in the end I guess you’re fallible And though I try There’s only so much I can do There’s so little time And all of it is valuable And I’ve spent Enough on you
Everything I say or do
Influenced by the thought of you
It makes me sick, it makes me wish
That I was someone else.
And even if the words were true
The sky just hasn’t been as blue
You think that I am strong enough
But I am just myself.
Well, once-loved, I must confess
There’s nothing that I could possess
To fill the hole where you belong
There is nobody else
But through my dread, through my duress
These things all start to coalesce
I realize I don’t need this to be
Human, or myself
It’s a fucking nightmare, I know
But all the tiny voices, they have nowhere else to go
I’ve been changing constantly so
There’s no more fucking room to grow.
I won’t even try my hardest
To find someone who’ll love me
No matter where my heart is
I won’t find this through inaction
I know you get some sort of
Sick satisfaction
From my lonely guy anxieties
My love, in it’s entirety
I know it’s not enough for you
You’re the fourth girl in my life
Who has told me far more lies
Than they ever told me truths
And I don’t have it in me
To give a shit
And I don’t have it in me
To feel this sick
I’ve thrown up every single word
And every lie I’ve ever heard
And now I’ve told my fair share, too
If I could pick you or a drug
I’d push you down and shoot it up
And then I could forget about you
And you can pass the blame
Onto me, shame, oh shame!
But I am never gonna talk to you again
I am never gonna talk to you again.
My hands are numb again
and these strings vibrate the bones in them
and they search for something warmer
Warmer than you were.
I hate this everything
I hate the songs they sing
I search for something warmer
Warmer than the Earth.
And I can not come down
There is poison turning my limbs black
I want the skin you took from my lips back
I want to bury myself in snow
I want everyone in the world to know
My hands are numb again
I can barely even play this instrument
and they bleed onto the pavement
…I’m better than her.
I hate this everything
It’s not just now; I hate, like, everything
I search for something quieter
Quieter than Earth.
And I can not come down
the frostbite is inside of my veins
I see you dance under the freezing rain
I hope the ice keeps you still
but I don’t think that it will
Well, that’d be an awful memory
I know the last thing I want to see
Is a statue of you happily
waltzing with your lovely
but if you froze to death
I wouldn’t be upset
and the image left
would be one I could accept
and after four more drinks
I wouldn’t have to think
about this atrocity
it’s only bad for me
but I’m not the only one
on earth, you see
so this minor thing
that’s so major to me
should be left alone
eternally
and left to sleep…
I’ve written and posted a few songs about the way my ex would see me; how she generally saw me as whatever the hell it was that she wished that I was and not who I actually was. For a time, that was enjoyable. I mean, the first couple of months… maybe weeks, actually, I got to feel like a goddamn rock star. That’s what she thought I was back then. Eventually she would go on to be disillusioned about that, but the fact that there was an illusion to dissolve in the first place was pretty frustrating. Had she not decided that I was this cool fucking hipster punk-rock whatever-the-hell, she wouldn’t have ever been disappointed to find out that I wasn’t, and maybe she would have sucked away my joy and happiness and humanity for a little longer than she did.
But that’s not the only way she stole my identity from me. I never really realized why back then, but hindsight is 20/20 and I can see a lot of the reasons why I was so goddamned depressed when I was with her now, years later.
And yeah. It has been years, and yeah, I’m still talking about it. She was my “big” ex. Everybody has one, I think. The one that never really gets out of your psyche; the one who ruins all of your subsequent relationships just by being there as a memory. I am so goddamn afraid to get close to people nowadays. I barely even let myself feel affection for people anymore because of how that relationship ended. But I’m digressing again.
This particular ex never let me have my fucking music. I’m not actually talking about the music that I write; aside from just being a part of my life experience, she had very little impact on that aspect of me. I was even comfortable writing negative songs about her and posting them, partially because I valued my art more than her and partially because she was so goddamn dense that she never realized what they were about. What I’m talking about is the music I liked. I couldn’t like a band, or even love one, without her becoming obsessed with it. If I liked some new song, she had to like it ten times as much as I did and dig deep and find out when the band was touring and buy a shirt and holy fucking shit I said I LIKED ONE FUCKING SONG BY THEM AND YOU’RE ALREADY DOING THIS SHIT GODDAMMIT STOP.
She couldn’t just like the stuff I liked, she had to possess it. When I discovered and fell in love with The Front Bottoms for the first time, she had to own them. They were her favorite band. No one else liked them as much as she did, as far as she was concerned.
And she didn’t even fucking get it. I love their self-titled album because it describes the burned-out post-highschool doldrums I was stuck in at the time. She was going to college; she had shit to do. My friends and I, we were just wasting time. We were wasting it on purpose, because it was the only thing that felt right, but we weren’t trying to move forward. We were just trying to move away from the rest of the world. We were doing drugs and drinking and picking up smoking habits because there was nothing else to fucking do, and finding something truly productive to fill our time with felt like such a mockery of what we stood for in high school that we couldn’t bear to do it. And The Front Bottoms’ self-titled album describes that perfectly in both sound and lyric. And she wasn’t a fucking part of that. When I asked her what it was about them that she liked, I never got an answer like that. It was always about the catchiness of a chorus, or Brian’s voice, or she’s say something vague about them being “deep.” She fell in love with them because she had a chance to like an indie band , and that was “cool.” I fell in love with them because the vibration of their sound was perfectly in sync with every molecule in my body.
But, you know, she had fourteen of their shirts after knowing about them for a week.
And look, I’m painting her like a total psychopath because I’m leaving out the good stuff. There was good stuff. She bought me a good amount of memorabilia from bands I liked, and tickets to their shows. She drove me places because I hate driving. We had, you know, sex and stuff and it was bad sex but it’s not like I was any good at it so I can’t really blame her for it and sex is still pretty awesome no matter what especially when you’re nineteen. And we didn’t fight until the end came. Maybe once or twice. But fighting was not a part of our relationship, for three whole years.
But I’m only mentioning that stuff to be fair to her, and to paint a slightly fuller picture of her. She wasn’t a picture book villain or anything, she was just kind of a narcissist and did everything she could to convince you that she wasn’t.
But god, the way she took these bands away was legitimately hurtful. I ache about it even now. Music is such a huge part of my identity; to claim it as her own was really… I don’t know the word for it. The word I want to say is “controlling”, because it felt very much like a part of me was under her thumb.
But it does make it so much more satisfying when I hear something now that I know she isn’t listening to. Especially when it’s as good as what I’m about to mention.
Ben Folds has a new(ish) album out called “So There”, and it’s fucking fantastic. And if the song Not a Fan is from his heart, then Ben Folds fucking hates my ex-girlfriend. And it’s so goddamn satisfying to listen to a song I love, know that it’s a legitimately great song by a fantastic artist, and know that she isn’t sitting somewhere obsessing over it.
The album is fucking beautiful, and if you haven’t listened to it yet, DO THAT. This song is my favorite. It kind of describes exactly what I was just bitching about, and does so eloquently and over one of the prettiest piano parts I’ve heard in a while. And the very last line Folds says just ties it all together. Listen to the whole thing.
I can’t get no help for this
don’t you think about
how bad I would have wanted to be missed?
but everything that I can be
was consumed by your kiss
it started with a memory,
it started with a lisp
Oh I can think of nothing better
than writing out this lonely letter
a million things I wish I would’ve said
some hatred would’ve brought some closure
now I can’t keep my composure
a million times I’ve wished that you were dead
I’m a bad, bad, bad, bad man.
and now that’s all that I am.
I can’t speak about that one time
that time you took your clothes off
but you left me caught in mine
I should’ve wanted things to be perfect
but I was okay with them being fine
she said it ended with a catchy chorus
no, it ended with a haunting line
and I can dream of nothing brighter
than holding up these notes to fire
a million things I wish I could forget
but I can’t forget what has become me
all those words were taken from me
a million things I wish hadn’t happened yet.
I’m a sad, sad, sad, sad man.
and now that you’re gone, that’s all that I am.
It’s not like I really want to hurt them
I’ve got better things to do
but when I get myself to hurtin’
all I think about is you
and how your head deserves to roll
for all the death that you have caused
you killed my heart and killed my soul
you killed my love and gave me loss
Everyone deserves some pain
I think about it all the time
every person is the same
at the wrong end of the knife
I wish you could see me now
I’m gonna bring this all to light
demons I long ago had slayed
you casually brought back to life
and I panic when I sleep
and I scream when I’m awake
I bring my hand up to my head
and drag it down my bloody face
I’ve had this headache since that day
that day you tried to slit my wrists
by making me so sad
that I would not even resist
but now the blade that did me harm
it brings power back to these arms
I bring it down on all my foes
and bury them in my backyard
I know I’m doing the right thing
the right thing for me right now
I swore I’d never go this far
but lately I’ve had to allow
myself to do the things I want
even if they’re all the worst
I just find myself distraught
and I know I have to hurt
I’ll do better someday soon
but for now this is my life
The lonely sun, the lonely moon
laughed at by stars dotting the sky
but this suits me after all
I always felt I deserved to die
but now I know I do for sure
I hope that nobody survives.
I’ll make sure.
[In case it wasn’t clear, this is an entirely fictional scenario. I hate that I have to say that here, as it maybe ruins the tone a bit, but yeah. I’m not a serial killer, in case you were worried.]
I feel a headache coming on
it’s on the edge of my mind
I see a bunch of flashing lights
I hear a hook sinking the line
I taste the water in my mouth
I smell the sickness pouring out
I feel the hook start to sink in
I feel the feeling in my skin
and as the blood begins to flow
I think of you, I’ll never know
it doesn’t matter in the end
I see you swim around the bend
and the waters’s cold
and my body’s tired
and I’m still not sold
I still hear a liar
when you talk about the things
you wish that I could be
and the line begins to wrap itself
around my bare feet
and it’s clear I’ll leave the river
someday
but you grab my hand
and you hold it tight
and you pull me back
with all your might
but the barbs stayed true
true to you
You say you weren’t sure
but I think you knew
and I see you from under
the surface of the water
as I start to slip away
And you swear to god
you swear I’ll come back,
oh, you know we’ll be together some day
when I learn how to swim
on my own, I’ll dive in,
and I’ll take you far, far away,
but I don’t want to
I don’t love you
I won’t miss you
I don’t want to
I won’t come back
even if they let me go.
It doesn’t make me
what I am
but I feel it change me.
It didn’t kill me
it just cut it close
you don’t feel me
Well, if all that it takes is a lie
To sharpen the edge of your knife
Well, I’ve told you them thousands of times!
I’m not sorry if you want what I
used to be
before you
and I don’t like it
any more than you do
but I… can’t.
And I don’t want to
be like you.
I know I wanted this
but we can’t all have what we want.
and it seemed so simple then
we only had to pretend
they say that all good things must end
but they never started
and as I lay tape on my veins
I know I’ll never be the same
here’s an end, it’s such a shame
it never started.
My Thoughts Are Pollution 