Cyanide

There’s cyanide
in rooms with kitchen knives
and where my problems lie
like cyanide.

There’s broken glass
around these so clearly passed
overused metaphors
like broken glass.

Your chords of steel have been unnerving.
You took them to my throat of glass.
shattered all my words
battered up my world.
And everything just falls apart.

And of course,

there’s cyanide
poured into these blacklights
around the so called curse of night
like cyanide.

There’s tempered steel
in all the things you feel
I know you can’t feel
like tempered steel.

And those chords you made from steel have been disturbing.
You screamed and tore apart my throat of glass.
Shattered all my words
with just a single verse.
And everything just falls apart.

And I know nothing about sex that’s not
seeped somewhat in revenge.
I felt it just to prove something
to all my shitty friends.
and to my ex girlfriends,
who could forget about them?

I was supposed to.

but I do lots of things I’m not supposed to.

And that’s why
there’s cyanide
draped across your lies
hung like curtains wide
like cyanide.

Like cyanide.

Stay

Steady hands
Steady man
But I’m unsteady, I’m not ready
and I don’t understand
Shaking limbs
Wavering whims
Don’t regret it, I won’t let it
all cave in

and I will never
mean anything more
but I don’t need to
anymore.

Just stay
Just stay
it’s something unjust, and I’m falling in lust
just stay away
Moving eyes
Moving inside
It’s so moving, but I’m losing
track of my lines

and I will never
mean anything more
but I don’t need to
anymore.

Well I can’t begin to discuss this
with a level head
And I feel so disgusted
with the words I haven’t said
and I’m trying to stay sane
I’m trying not to stay the same
I’m trying
I’m trying
I’m trying not to fade,
fade out
Like you will
fade out
it’s real
I’m real,
you’re real.

and I will never
mean anything more
but I don’t even want to
anymore.

A new song.

Obsessed

I
am self obsessed
just don’t forget
and you’ll be fine.

and I
have low self-esteem
whatever that means
but I’ll be fine.
and for now, everything is alright
and for now, every seal is shut tight
but just wait
til I break
til I lie.
Oh just wait
it’s just great
when I lie.

When I lied, I thought I could do anything, full of emotion with a spider ring. A million bucks or a penny couldn’t mean a thing to me, couldn’t figure out what it means to me. And I couldn’t see the world when I took fourteen, and I screamed and I cried and I made a scene and I left you to lie in a world unseen. In the back of my eye, there’s a limousine, where memories go when they take their leave, but only as far as my bloodstream. To remove them, I had to go to stupid extremes. And there’s a scar on my back where they cut too deep, and I lost every track that could connect me to the world where I live, where I want to be, to the love that I lack to the mystery. And God, when he saw simply turned around, with his head in his hands ‘low a thorny crown, told his wife and his kids I could not be found, that I fled and I hid and I stopped the sound.

And now, to this day, with each time that I pray, there’s never an answer, there’s just a “die and go away” and there’s a stairway to heaven, but they’ve shut the gates, and there’s a price to be paid but he’s lowered my wage and with every single song and every single day there’s a hundred lives lost and a hundred and one made, so what am I worth, if I can’t get laid? Will everyone change while I stay the same? And I used to think I was a couple of years behind, and I knew it was true until I changed my mind, because all of the purpose, and every chance to find, myself, you can’t follow somebody if you follow them blind. And I’ve accepted the fact that I’ll someday die, but I reject the idea that no one else can stay alive. If they can be happy, then why can’t I? I’ll figure it out, I mean, I do, sometimes. I mean, I did when I looked up right into the clouds, I could’ve sworn that I maybe possibly had it all written down, but f I did it was lost with all my poems about, all my stupid problems and my childhood doubts. But for now it’s just fine to not understand and for now I’ve got another hand in my hand. It’s a fleeting thing, when the camera pans Ill see that there’s just another hand in her hand.

but for now, I am alive.
For now, I am inside.

And its warm.

A poem that turns into broken prose that I wrote in high school.

To Infinity and Beyond

Just relax
don’t keep me on track
for I am far too gone
to have you watch my back

I want to break one thousand hearts
like how they broke my thousand hearts
and when I fall apart
I want you to fall apart.

And if I have to lie,
to make you, make you mine
that’s fine.

And if I have to die
to make you read these lines
that’s fine.

And in a couple days
I swear that I will be okay
I just need some room to breathe
my room, my sanctuary.

And when I emerge from this cocoon of blankets

I shall not have changed
I shall be the same
but at least the tears
acquired through the years
Shall be wiped from my face
at last.

I will once again
be guided outside
with visions of lust
again on my mind
I will try yet again
and again.
and again.
and again.

History repeats
and the cause is mine
because I cannot learn
and I will always lie.

and with this bitter, broken memory here by my side
One day, one day the world will be mine

I will stand and I will smile
at all of my adolescent subjects
who followed my feelings
feeling rejected by rejects.
And when I cry out
sing away all my fears
They will be mine
for one thousand more years.

and my life shall be a beacon
for all those who gave up reason.
I want to be followed
I want to hear my songs
So please, hear me out
to infinity and beyond.

Here’s a poem I wrote when I was sixteen.

I used to have dreams.

I lie to you

I lie to you
so you can get some sleep tonight
say goodbye to you
and get back to this lonely life

I’ll never love
again
and you’ll never
even have to know.
It’s all your fault
but I’d still go through it all
for you
and you’ll never even have to know.

I stayed up late
all just so you could explain
the world’s so great
why do I feel so lame?

I’ll never love
again
and you’ll never
even have to know.
It’s all your fault
but I’d still go through it all
for you
and you’ll never even have to know.

Oh Elena,
I’m just so sad
’cause it all went bad
when you held his hand
and I know that you
will never understand
Oh Elena,
I’ll never tell
’cause you’ll never ask
how I felt
and I know that you
would never understand.

I’ll never love
again
and you’ll never
even have to know.

I wrote this song when I was fifteen. I still like it.

An Illness

I’m sick
and I feel something else
I feel something more
but it don’t matter to myself
I’m sick
and my stomach hates my guts
I’ll think about it later
right now it’s just bad luck

I like you like a black cat
on a full moon
You’re beautiful
like an open wound
and the broken glass shards shimmer
when I think about you
but my bitter heart says “stay away”
and I don’t know what to do

I’m ill
and I feel something else
I feel something more
I won’t admit it to myself
I’m ill
and my heart it hates me so
I’ll think about it later
maybe when I go.

I like you like a locked door
Or a walk-in tomb
You’re so beautiful
like my open wounds
and the broken glass shards shimmer
every time I say your name
it could be so perfect
but it wouldn’t be the same

And so I’ll do nothing
I won’t try
yeah, I’ll do nothing
and hope to die
I will cross my heart
needle in my eye
I will not give in
You will not be mine

I like you like a nova
Like a star in bloom
you’re so beautiful
like an open wound
and the broken glass shards shimmer
and the color never fades
and I look into the sky
and I know I cannot stay away.

A song about having feelings for someone, then denying those feelings because it’s easier to do than accept them and risk screwing things up.

It’s also got bits and pieces of what could be an actual love song buried in there, too.

Lucky

There were scars on his face
I guess you could say
I’m one of the lucky ones
at least I got away
At least I can cover the truth
I can hide it from all of you
I’m one of the lucky ones
I can hide it from all of you

But every other night
I wake up in red light
again.

You can tell me that I
can try to change.
But there’s nothing in the world
that can make the scarring fade

Must mean I’m preoccupied
with myself
like nobody else
I’m selfish ’cause I
am one of the lucky ones
still alive
but I’m stuck in my head
and I might as well have died.

Everything, everywhere
I feel the rip, I fell the tear
If I could scream, and they were there
then maybe I wouldn’t be so scared
but my lungs taste smoke
and the room’s still red
and I hold my breath
as I lay in bed
and I cough and choke
and I shake my head
and I think too hard
til I sleep instead.

I’m one of the lucky ones,
and I’m as good as dead.

This is a song about me being a burn survivor, if it wasn’t already obvious. My feelings about it are complicated, and this song actually pieced together a lot of my emotions for me.

Happy

You’ve made
yet another broken life
it’s just another sleepless night
so don’t worry, I am used to this by now
You are
just another perfect sight
I’ll just black out my eyes
don’t worry, I can figure this all out

if it makes you happy,
whatever makes you happy.
if it makes you happy,
do whatever makes you happy.

I can
carve a charm into my wrist
begging for your kiss
but don’t worry, I’m not dreaming it’ll help
I’m sure
that I’ll one day lose my grip
wishing the words could rest upon your lips
but don’t worry, I’ll just leave and go to hell

if it makes you happy
do whatever makes you happy.

if it makes you happy.
if it makes you happy.

Today, I’m posting a song I wrote when I was about sixteen. It’s about a girl. (It always is, isn’t it?) I was stuck on this beautiful girl at the time who not only wouldn’t give me the time of day, she would repeatedly raise my hopes up and led me on repeatedly, and I fell for it every fucking time. I put off all my other relationships in an attempt to pursue this girl, but she never did the same. Not that expecting her to do that is okay or anything, but that was how my sixteen year old brain thought about the world.

I wrote this song when I finally gave up. The line, “if it makes you happy, do whatever makes you happy,” isn’t meant to be a positive thing, it’s meant to be this fucking depressing line about desperately trying to let go. It’s bitter. It’s extremely bitter. And I fucking love it. This is the first song my old band ever recorded, with my awful sixteen year old voice singing those lyrics over the whole thing.

 

I’m the tall, blonde kid.

Typical

I take another look
over my shoulder yet again
I just can’t keep away from
the mess behind my head
everybody sit down
let me light a cigarette
in truth I am nothing
just like everyone has said

and I take it out on no one
I just scream when you’re not home
thinking about another one
just to feel a little less alone

She said, “Why do you have
to be so cynical?
You want everyone else in
the world to be miserable.”
I said, “I can’t really care
right now, I’m not capable.
So why do you have to be so typical?”
So typical.

I take another breath
only one more than I should
it gets up in my head
if you were here, I know you would
I just want to sit down
turn off all these fucking lights
lock all of the doors
and live out one thousand nights

And I’m trying to get over
but this wall is way too high
and each time that I get closer
I get too afraid to try

I screamed “Why do I have
to be so miserable?
No wonder that I’m so
god damned cynical.
when anything happens,
my god I’m incapable,
but Natalie’s fine
to stay so typical…”
So typical.

and I’m happy that it’s over
and I’m half a world away
if I could I’d never get closer
but the coast is in the way

and all I think about is drowning
to sink to the bottom of the sea
and all I think about is dying
and everyone can forget me
but I’m reminded that they have
my god, I feel it every day
there’s no reason to be happy
God, that’s why I couldn’t stay.

I hear, “Why do you have
to be so cynical?
You want everyone else
in the world to be miserable.”
Well I refuse to care,
I’m not capable
of being so
pathetically typical.
So typical.

A song. That I wrote. And stuff.

Go the Distance

I have often dreamed
of a far off place
where a great warm welcome
will be waiting for me.
Where the crowds will cheer
when they see my face
and a voice keeps saying
this is where I’m meant to be.

-Go the Distance, Hercules

Hercules is my favorite Disney animated movie. I think it’s extremely underrated. Sure, it definitely doesn’t follow the actual myth, but it’s a beautiful story. I watched the movie as a child and thought “I want to be just like him someday.”

A hero. A true hero, as the movie would say.

I don’t know if that really exists in this middle-class twenty-something life I’ve got going on. Who am I going to save, especially when I feel like I’m the one who needs saving most of all?

My dad isn’t a Greek god. My dad is a carpenter. I don’t have super strength. All I have is a bunch of ideals that are slowly shattering before my eyes as I wait for miracles that I don’t believe in to fall at my feet.

I wish I could be like Hercules. Maybe not the one from the myth, as that Hercules is kind of a prick, but the Disney-fied one. I wish I could help save everyone, and then give up everything I was working so hard towards for the sake of love. It’s so cheesy, and so childish, but I still wish it could be true.

I do relate to the young Hercules, though. I don’t feel like I fit in where I am, and I think that somewhere out there, something is waiting for me. I just don’t have it in me to “go the distance” right now. I wish I could be strong, but I’m not strong right now. Maybe someday I’ll be able to find the place where I belong.